James Connor can answer all your questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James founded his own
highly successful gay website and DVD label called FreshSX. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his
experiences as a gay man who enjoys all aspects of love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor
or therapist but his advice is like that of a close friend. |
The Ask James Archive has loads of questions and answers
featured in previous editions of the column.
This Week - Bisexual advice, Using condoms and Dildo fun
Jackie writes to a gay column: Hi James. This guy and I have been dating for a while. He told me when we first started dating that he was bisexual. That is completely ok with me and actually turns me on. He has only been with me and another woman and he never gets turned on by another women and we watch gay porn together all the time, I think he is more gay than bi. We have had great sex together and sometimes we invite another male to join us. We tell each other everything and we have no secrets from each other so the other day he told me that he loves our 3somes but prefers one on one sex with me and one on one sex with another guy. I am completely OK with him going to see another guy by himself. We have actually done that once and it was OK. He is afraid that he is cheating and I will resent him for it. I think that sex is just a thing as long as there are no emotional attachments. He loves me dearly and wants to be with me and have kids and the whole nine yards. He even told me that he would sacrifice his homosexual tendancies for me. I don't want him to do that, I think we should both be satisfied. I just don't know if a life with him is possible. Right now, I can see me being with him forever and he can with me. I just don't want to get 10 years down the road and 2 kids later and he tells me that he wants to be with men only. Is this a possibility or do you actually think that we can make it?
James says: Hi Jackie, well I think the most important thing to realise here is that you are so lucky to be able to talk so openly in an honest way about this with each other.
Most people in this situation find it really hard to explain how they feel and to be honest a lot of people in this situation find it hard to deal with their own reaction. The fact that you are both talking about it and you are both so open to discuss it with me would mean that you stand a big chance of really making it work. Most situations like this break down when there is no effective communication.
It is hard to say how 'gay' your guy is. Probably most of us are bisexual to some degree or another and that degree can fluctuate too during our life according to our needs and desires. Some people are predominantly straight and others mostly gay and then some people fluctuate between the two being more bisexual and enjoying being with men and women equally.
You really need to try and find out where he feels he fits and also try and make him understand your point of view on sex and that he needs to stop thinking he is cheating on you if he sleeps with another guy. If he can just enjoy that sex for what it is, and then be happy to be with you, then that would be a really good step forward.
I admire your attitude to sex and the way you are so open minded about it. As long as your boyfriend is the same and you continue to be honest about it with each other then I see a real chance of this working out. Good luck and I really hope the two of you have many happy times together!
Matthew cums up with this: James, my problem may seem to be a shallow one but it really stops me from fully enjoying my relationship. I always wanted to have a boyfriend, someone I could be exclusively for and in a stable monogamous relationship with. I never enjoyed one-night stands. Another thing is that I wanted to stop using condoms once I got a boyfriend because unprotected sex is something I really enjoy and the idea of someone's cuming inside me, really turns me on. I always have been using condoms with guys when I was single but now I have a boyfriend and I want to stop using it. Unfortunately my boyfriend doesn't want to. Even after we get tested he says he never trusts anyone and he is scared of catching HIV. He also says he doesn't like it because of the possibility of getting dirty. I know myself and I would never cheat on him. I clean myself before sex as good as I can but he stills is not going to stop using condoms. I really want to be with him so I would hate if our relationship got ruined by this. But I know I don't enjoy sex with condoms and this is big issue for me. He also says he wants to marry me but I can't imagine having husband and still using comdoms. Please advise because I really don't want to loose him.
James replies: Hi Matthew, this is a difficult question to answer as the decision to stop using condoms has to be made by both of you and has to be something you are both comfortable with.
If you are in a totally monogamous relationship and you have both tested negative for STD's and HIV then you could think about not using condoms but it has to be something you both want to do.
If one of you slips up and does have sex with another guy then it breaks the agreement and puts the other one at risk. You do need to have total trust AND you need to have an agreement that if one of you does have sex with another guy you tell each other.
Maybe your boyfriend doesn't want to have sex without a condom as he says it feels dirty. Some guys do feel this about anal sex and so maybe you can try and understand his attitude to this. You really do need to try and talk more together so that you can understand his point of view and come to an agreement that suits you both and that you both understand.
Finally it is worth remembering that there a lot of cases of HIV transmission that come from people being in a relationship and the disease has been passed on because the couple stopped using condoms. Maybe it is not such a bad idea to use condoms even when you are in a relationship. Certainly no one has ever caught an STD or HIV through using a condom, when they might otherwise have not!
Dave shoves this in: Dear James, I've met a great guy who is a horny sod in bed. He's a bottom and loves sex. He also uses dildos on himself and gets pleasure from it. I'm not bugged that he likes toys at all and want to use a dildo on him during sex. As I'm a top, I've never used one before on myself, let alone another guy. I know you should lube a guy up and slide the dildo in gently before using it more firmly. Are there are any more tips you can suggest? I want to surprise my boyfriend ;)
James answers: Hi Dave, well it depends on the dildo's you have. Some come without any kind of handle and for these you need to be careful not to lose grip on them - when buying dildos this type really should be avoided, as they are not so safe to use!
The dildo's with balls are great as you can use them to hold on to and slowly work the dildo into your partner's ass making sure you use lots of silcone lube. You can use waterbased lube if you prefer but you will need to reapply it more frequently as it dries more quickly.
Don't put the dildo in too fast and move try and keep the movement fluid so it feels great for your partner. The best way to use a dildo is where your partner participates too so he lets you know how much to put it in and when he wants more. That way you know he is enjoying it and he also tells you what he wants from it.
Some dildo's come with a handle and these are great to use once your partner is ready for it a bit more rough! With these toys you can use a thrusting action to pound his ass more. Also one thing he may really love is when the dildo is inside his ass try moving it down more towards his prostate and that will give him a much more intense feeling.
When you try it ask him if it feels good - you need some feedback from him so you know if you are hitting the right spots! He can even hold your hand as you do it to show you how he really likes it - that way you know exactly what to do!