James Connor can answer all your questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James founded his own
highly successful gay website and film label called FreshSX. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his
experiences as a gay man who enjoys all aspects of love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor
or therapist but his advice is like that of a close friend. |
The Ask James Archive has loads of questions and answers
featured in previous editions of the column.
This Week - Bicurious, Swallowing and Getting ready for Toys
Ralph has some questions: Hey James, there's these two athletes I really like. They both always seem to be interested in me sexually. Like when we work together one of them always gets close to me, and sometimes he even rubs his leg against mine. The other guy always makes oral sex jestures at me, and he always tells me to suck his dick. He always makes sexual comments to me. He has even put objects between my legs. I would love to pursue something with them or even have sex with one or the both of them. How can I know if they really like me or if they're just flirting. I am a straight guy who's bicurious.
James says: Hi Ralph, well maybe they are gay or bi-courious and they are really interested in you, or maybe they are just playing around a bit! I guess the easiest way of finding out would be to make some kind of joke about it and see how they react. You will need to be careful so as not to make it embarassing for either of you in case it is just a joke.
Just think about the kind of things you could say and how you could say it so that if they are interested it would allow them to say so but if they are not then it can just be left as a joke. I think here you should proceed with caution, but you should proceed!
Toni is a loving wife: James, I'm a 27 yr. old gay wife/bottom with a 31 yr old husband/top. He is VERY large 8 3/4 to 9" and thick. I've been able, thru stretching and lube to take him in my pussy to the hilt. (HEAVEN!!) But I can't take only about 3" orally. He says it isn't important, but I want to please him, more than anything. Are there any books or lessons to stretch my throat or open it wider, so I can deep-throat him? His b-day is coming up and it would be wonderful to surprise him by sucking ALL of him. I've tried lying on the bed with my head hanging over the edge, but only gain about an inch.
James replies: Hi, well I haven't heard of any books that teach deepthroating specifically and to be honest it depends on a few factors most of which are biological.
The best thing is to have a mouth that opens quite wide as this will make it easier for you - also you need to bear in mind that if you are not able to open your mouth wide enough you may end of scratching his dick or even worse cutting him with your teeth. For a top to be sucked by someone who also uses their teeth is very uncomfortable and can be painful and dangerous.
Another factor is the gag reflex. This is a natural reflex which makes you gag when something goes down your throat too far and prevents you choking. Some people have a much stronger gag reflex than others.
The final thing is the positions you are using as certainly some positions make deepthroating much easier. The one you said you have already tried with you lying on the bed with your head hanging down is good but it is a more advanced position.
What you need to do now is practice yourself before trying with him. You can do this using a small dildo to start. As you put it further back into your throat breathe only through your nose with long deep breaths. If you feel yourself wanting to gag, stop there, breathe deeply and relax. Then try and go a little further and continue like this.
An easier position you could try is having your partner lying on his back and you lie face down on top of him (so your dick is actually on his mouth). This will allow your throat to be alinged if you tilt your head back slightly.
cocklova wants to play: Hey James, I'm a 19 year old that has a boyfriend that wants to use toys in our sexual relationship. I'm scared because his dick hurts enough as it is when it's inside me, so how can I take toys as well?
James answers: Hi, well you don't have to use HUGE toys! Why not start with some toys that you feel comfortable with - after all you are the one who has to take them not him! So my suggestion would be to actually choose the toys together and make that part of the fun of it.
When choosing a toy make sure that it is not too big and if it is a dildo then make sure it has something at the top to hold on to (some have the balls as well, or a handle). The last thing you want is to use one without something to hold on to and for it to go inside you. Also when they have something to hold on to you can control them more as well.
When using toys the 2 golden rules are:
1. Go slow as that is the number one cause of pain. If you go slow enough and get used to it then it should never hurt.
2. Use loads and loads of lube (silicon lube is usually better as it doesn't dry out as quickly as waterbased lube) and make sure that you re-apply the lube frequently. Using enough lube should also ensure that it won't hurt you.
You could also use toys that don't have to go inside you such as blindfolds, masks, rope, etc and then he can fuck you while using these. Some people find that these kinds of toy make sex a lot more erotic so give it a go. Also have a look at some movies which use toys for some ideas too!