James Connor can answer all your questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James founded his own
highly successful gay website and DVD label called FreshSX. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his
experiences as a gay man who enjoys all aspects of love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor
or therapist but his advice is like that of a close friend. |
The Ask James Archive has loads of questions and answers
featured in previous editions of the column.
This Week - Trying out gay, Fingers and Being passive
Jamie has a one-off: Hi James, I'm really a straight guy who love girls but recently I have thought about trying to have sex with a boy/man. I'm 19 and I have quite a few friends I know that are gay, and I just want to see what it is all about. I'm scared that if I ask one of them for sex they tell all my other friends and then I'll be laughed at for the rest of my life!! How do I best try it just the once?
James says: Hi Jamie, well if you want to try out gay sex for the first time and not have your friends find out then you would have to do it more discretely than by asking one of your friends!
Maybe you could look into meeting up with someone off an online gay chat site or visit a sauna which is usually more anonymous, especially if it isn't too close to your home or where your friends live.
The best option may be meeting someone online as it is often quite daunting to go to a gay sauna for the first time. Also meeting online is good as you can explain to the guy that you haven't met anyone before and explain what you are interested in doing so that he has the same or similar expectations as you!
I think you should be less worried by what your friends think and concerned more about deciding what is right for you and your sex life in the future. Trying out sex once with another guy does not mean you are going to be gay for the rest of your life. You need to take it easy and start enjoying yourself.
James gives it the finger: James, please help. I was in bed with a guy (I'm normally top) and I tried to put my finger in his arse and he screamed at me to get off! He said he wanted to get fucked but not with fingers. I always thought that was the way you prepared someone for anal sex, so what should I be doing before we fuck? Have I got it all wrong?
James replies: Hi James, well not everyone who likes being fucked likes having a finger shoved up their ass!
Some guys really enjoy being fingered whereas there are also a lot of guys who really don't like it. It is also the same for toys - there are a lot of guys who are passive and really enjoy being fucked but don't enjoy sex toys and dildos. So it is always a good idea to ask before shoving your finger or a dildo up someone's ass!
The best way to get someone ready for being fucked who doesn't like fingers or toys is to use your tongue. Rimming is perfect as it stimulates the senses around the anus and will get your partner in the right mood to be fucked.
When you fuck just make sure to use a little bit more lube than normal as he may still be quite tight and make sure to go slow at first so that he can get used to you!
Dom is being passive this time: Hey, James. I am normally top in sex, but I have just met this amazing guy, and I want to give myself to him. Apart from getting clean, what should I do before and during sex to make sure that he has a good time and gets really deep into me?
James answers: Hi Dom, yes getting clean is important in anal sex so make sure to douche well first. Before you start having sex make sure that your ass is relaxed and ready by using a finger or dildo.
If your partner is up for that then you can do it together so that he can play with your ass with his finger and then also use a small dildo to make sure you are ready to take his cock. When you start to fuck try and relax the muscles around your ass by calming your mind so that you can enjoy it without tensing up and making it painful.
Once you get the hang of it you can try different positions to find the best position for really deep penetration. With more practice you will be able to get deeper and deeper and enjoy the sex even more.