This Week - Homophobia, Shaving and Being monogamous

Chaz comes out with this: Hi, I am 20 years old and I have had gay feelings since the beginning of puberty. I made myself a new year resolution some time ago and now it's time to face up to it. I have had more than enough of being in the closet and I want to come out to my friends, family and work colleagues, but I am so scared of how they might react. I know my step dad is very homophobic and I don't want to lose any of them. Do you have any tips on how to make it easier?

James says: Well it is not easy coming out, in fact as a gay man it is the most difficult and also the most scary thing that you will probably have to do!

When you do come out you will find that most people will not actually be very bothered at all, in fact many gay guys almost laugh at the reaction they get when they tell people. It is an interesting concept to look at Daffyd from 'Little Britain'. He believes that everyone is homophobic whereas in fact no one in his village actually cares at all about his sexuality!

It can be very easy to get into that way of thinking - that no one will accept you. What often does happen though is that you find very few people around you actually care about it. You may also find that some friends or family have already guessed, and frankly they aren't surprised at all. At the end of the day it may be difficult for a small number of people, such as your step dad, but if he really cares about you then he will have to make an effort to understand and accept you as well.

It is much easier to come out nowadays than it has ever been and with the rise of legal protection for gay people and increasing gay rights such as the rights to civil partnership, an equal age of consent and hate crimes being taken very seriously by the authorities, being gay is no longer looked upon as something that's out of the norm. Gay people really are becoming part of the wider community and no longer having to hide their sexuality, so neither should you.

You could make sure that you have some contact details or information, especially for your family should they respond to you badly. The various help lines such as the Gay Switchboard can really help by providing useful support to gay people and their families. They can also recommend books and leaflets to get hold of to read.

Often when you come out the shock is not that you are gay but that they don't really know what it all means! Being more informed can settle the minds of many and you'll find that they will be able to accept you more for who you are, simply because they understand you and your sexuality more.

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Jamie the old smoothie writes: My boyfriend likes me to keep his crotch hair short. In fact, he likes it removed. The problem is that he gets a horrible, itchy rash a few hours after the hair is removed. Sometimes we've had problems with ingrowing hairs as well. We've tried shaving, hair removal creams, and waxing (once and not for very long). What is the easiest way to keep his hair non-existent while avoiding all these problems? Is it something we're doing wrong?

James replies: Well you know it isn't wise to be removing all the hair around his dick if it is creating problems. Also most guys don't really think it looks particularly nice when someone is totally bald around his crotch! I know some do, but it's a bit of minority.

The area around the balls and dick is extremely delicate and needs to be treated with care. If his skin is reacting badly to this then it is an indication that it is not a good idea to continue.

By far the best way is to trim. Buy a good trimmer and set it to number 1 or 2 and then trim away most of the excess hair but leave a little so that the skin is not being damaged. Afterwards use a non perfumed moisturising cream as well to rehydrate and protect. You need to treat him carefully ... it's an important area of his body!

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Marc wants to play safe: Hi James, I am in a wonderful gay relationship, it's the best Christmas Present anyone can ever have! We are both disease free and monogamous and I'm sure about this! Recently I heard that it is still possible to pick up infections through unprotected sex. Is this true and so should we be using condoms? What can we do if we don't want to use condoms to reduce any potential risks?

James answers: Hi Marc, I am so pleased you are so happy, and I wish you a great Christmas with your boyfriend.

If you are in a totally monogamous relationship and neither of you ever have sex with anyone else then you can have sex without condoms as neither of you will be at risk of catching any STD's from each other, assuming you are both STD free to start with.

The best thing to do is make an appointment at an STD clinic and both have a full range of tests to check that neither of you have any STD's. Then if you are both sure that you trust each other and don't sleep around then you can make the choice to not use condoms. You should remember though that it only takes one time for either one of you to have sex with another guy and the risk is then there to infect your partner with a sexually transmitted infection.

Not using condoms in a relationship requires an awful lot of trust and honesty and if one of your slips up then you both have to agree to tell the other immediately so that you can then get tested for STD's and protect each other. There is far more to lose than a few hurt feelings if you aren't entirely honest with one another having taking such a big step together.

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