James Connor can answer all your questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James founded his own
highly successful gay website and film label called FreshSX. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his
experiences as a gay man who enjoys all aspects of love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor
or therapist but his advice is like that of a close friend. |
The Ask James Archive has loads of questions and answers
featured in previous editions of the column.
This Week - Wet dreams, How long is best and Changing positions
Ashton spurts out this: Hi James, just what makes you have a wet dream because I really like having them. I get to fuck hot celebrities and hot straight guys! I dont know what makes you have them, could you explain. Can I make myself have more?
James says: Hi Ashton! A wet dream is nothing more than an uncontrolled ejaculation of semen while you are asleep and they are caused by being sexually excited in a dream. They can also be assisted by physical stimulation such as rubbing your cock against the sheets. If you need to pee then that can also cause you to get a hard on whilst you are asleep!
Most guys have wet dreams when they go through puberty and then usually when a guy becomes sexually active they tend to stop. The more sex you have or the more you masturbate then the less likely you are to have wet dreams. I guess if you want to have more wet dreams then you would have to have less sex and wank less.
There may even be a factor in how much control you have over your orgasms. Guys who do their Kegel muscle exercises find that they have more control over their orgasms and are able to control them more. Wet dreams are much more likely to happen when you are not so much in control of your orgasms. However, most guys over 16-18 would not really expect to have many wet dreams, as they probably have some kind of sex instead!
Chris holds on to ask: James, is there a good length of time to fuck for? I'm not sure how long I should aim to fuck my friends for ... is it 5 minutes, 15 minutes or an hour. Whenever I ask other people, they say things like "whatever feels right" or "whatever you want", but what's a good fuck in your view?
James replies: Well Chris at the end of the day sex is something for you and your partner to enjoy, not something that's dictated by others, so there are no rules for how long you should fuck for! And more importantly it should depend on the guy you are with and the situation, not really anything else.
Sometimes you may want to have a really full session of sex and it's great to be able to fuck for a long time. Take quite a few hours over it and if you feel you are going to cum then stop, wait a bit and then start again. Like this you should find that you actually fuck for maybe 1 hour in total during sex that might last a couple of hours. But that assumes that the guy who is bottom can take it for that long! If not then fuck for less time as sex always needs to be enjoyable for both parties!
Other times you might not want to fuck for long as you are short of time or tired or you might just be ridiculously horny and find that you want to shoot real quick. In those cases 5 minutes might be all that is required! The trouble comes when your partner wants a long fuck and the active guy shoots too fast! The best thing to do if you are unsure is for the active guy to say when he is close (i.e. going to shoot in around 30 seconds) and then if the bottom has had enough you can both shoot. If not and the bottom wants more then stop, take a break and go back to it a moment or two later.
To be honest if you really press me I think that on average most guys actually fuck for around 5-10 minutes but again, do what you and your partner want, and not what you think you should be doing or what the average is!
Jon moves in with this: James, whenever I watch movies the guys always seem to change fuck position lots of times. Is that what you should do in real life? Sometimes when I fuck someone we do switch, but more often than not I like to have him on all fours, start softly and then really pound him. Should I be be changing around every five minutes, or is that just for the cameras?
James answers: Hi Jon, yeah you are right that when we make porn movies we do change positions a lot but that's mostly coordinated so that the scene looks really exciting and people don't get too bored watching the guys in the same position all the time. It also means the cameras get different angles as well which makes it more horny.
At the end of the day what you do in the bedroom is up to you and you shouldn't think you need to copy what you see in porn movies to have a great sex life! God forbid we all copy the movies as given the number of bareback videos around at the moment that would mean the whole gay scene would be fucking without condoms. It would be a total catastrophe for trying to keep HIV infection rates down!
It is really up to you how many positions you try in your private life but it also should depend on your partner as well as there are a lot of guys who like to be bottom but prefer certain positions to others and may actually not want to do some positions at all so you need to have some communication here between you both!
It is quite important to sometimes change around though as different positions have different sensations for both partners. There are also good positions to start in and other more advanced positions to get into once you are both relaxed.
Doggy style as you suggest is a great position to give him a pounding but if that is the only position you are used to then you really should try some more as you could be missing out on a lot. Doggy style is great but it does have the big disadvantage that there is no interation between the two of you. You can't kiss your partner, you can't even see his face unless he turns round to look at you, or of course shout 'harder!'
Certain positions are a lot of fun for the active guy such as doggy or with the guy lying face down on the bed but you can get a lot more interaction if you fuck facing your partner such as him lying on his back with his legs up, maybe resting on your shoulders. Then you can come down and kiss him on the mouth, on his nipples, and if you have a big dick you might be able to suck him too at the same time.
From there you can lift one leg and fuck more from the side. This would give the bottom a deep prostate massage and would be very exciting for both of you. There are the positions where the bottom takes total control such as where he sits on top of you while you are lying down face up. He can sit facing away from you or for more interation face you and then you can both kiss as well.
There are loads of positions you can try out and also many variations on the classic positions as well. What is great is to move from position to position without stopping or coming out of your partner. Stay inside and move together around the room and you will have a great time. Start with the simple ones on the bed and then move off the bed slightly so he is bent over the side of the bed. Then try moving to the floor. standing and then back to the bed when you are ready to cum! There are absolutely no time limits for how long you should stay in a position so just do what feels good and you both enjoy!!!