James Connor can answer all your questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James founded his own
highly successful gay website and DVD label called FreshSX. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his
experiences as a gay man who enjoys all aspects of love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor
or therapist but his advice is like that of a close friend. |
The Ask James Archive has loads of questions and answers
featured in previous editions of the column.
This Week - GUM visits, Doubling the fun and Hiring an escort
Ben wonders: I have never been to GUM clinic, but now that I am having fairly regular sex with guys, I think I should visit one and get checked-out. Can you tell me what to expect there and whether it is entirely confidential? Do you have to give personal details and the name of your Doctor for example?
James says: It is always a good idea for anyone who is involved in sexual encounters to have regular tests at a GUM clinic. GUM stands for Genito-Urinary Medicine Clinic but it may also be called a STD clinic (Sexually Transmitted Diseases). When you visit one, all your results and information are confidential. They may ask you for your personal details, and also who your doctor is, but you are not obliged to provide this information if you choose not to.
They will need to have your name and address and a phone number to contact you on, and they will give you a clinic number that you can use when dealing with them, so it can be anonymous if that's what you want. Sometimes it's beneficial not to have the fact that you have visited a GUM clinic appear on your medical history so bear this in mind. This can be particularly true in dealings with insurance companies, prospective employers etc.
A lot of the time if you have caught a sexually transmitted disease you often know about it as you can feel something wrong. You may have a pain in your dick or ass. This isn't always the case though, so it is a very good idea to get regularly checked if you are sexually active. Some sexually transmitted diseases actually have no physical symptoms in some people whereas in others they do, so you can never be too sure. Just by thinking that you feel OK doesn't mean you don't have anything. This is the same for people who look healthy to you - that doesn't mean that they are STD free either.
When you arrive at the clinic they will ask you some questions and find out whether you have had any sexual behaviour that would mean you were at risk of catching an STD. Then they will arrange for a series of tests for a range of sexually transmitted diseases including gonorrhoea, syphilis, chlamydia, and hepatitis. They will also ask if you want to have an HIV test as well. This is entirely up to you, they must ask you and give you the choice.
If you are unsure about having an HIV test talk to them about what the consequences would be should you test positive and how you would cope with it. Then you can decide whether to be tested for HIV as well. They may also talk to you about having the hepatitis vaccines as well, or a booster if you haven't had one for a while.
The results of some of the tests may be available immediately and they may offer you treatment straight away for things that can be easily detected. Otherwise they will make an appointment for you to go back for the results usually a week or so later. When you go back, if any of the tests prove positive then they will offer you treatment and also support should you feel it would also be necessary.
Remember, if you help yourself by always using a condom for anal sex you will be limiting your exposure to HIV and STD's generally, and if you also use a condom for oral sex and a dental dam for rimming then you are putting yourself at a very much lower risk of catching STD's.
Fatfil goes for the double: As a bottom person I want to know the best position to enable me to take two guys in my anus at the same time? I know it must hurt but it would be like losing my virginity again ... and ... when having anal sex how far can the top penetrate? I have had a few really big ones up me but they dont go all the way in.
James replies: Double anal penetration is the kind of thing we see a lot of in porn movies and read about in erotic fiction but in real life it doesn't happen so often!
You can try double penetration with one guy fucking you who is also using a dildo - this is a good way to test to see whether you will be able to take two dicks at the same time. Always take it nice and slow - start using a small dildo and a lot of lube - when you are relaxed get your partner inside you and then have him gradually introduce the dildo at the same time as he is inside you.
If this is your first time it's important to use a small dildo and be careful not to progress too quickly otherwise you could hurt yourself. After you have tried this a few times then arrange a 3-some with two guys who you already know (that can make it easier) and it will also help if they are not too big. 2 guys around 5-6 inches for the first time would probably be quite enough for you.
As for how deep a dick can go inside you it actually depends at the end of the day on the physical make up of your body and also the position you choose. Some positions do not assist really deep penetration whereas others will make it much easier for you. Try doggie style or with the bottom partner lying on the bed facing up and the active guy lifting his ass up, maybe supported underneath by a pillow.
You could also try the spooning position (where the active guy lies next to the bottom guy facing his back), or the best position when being fucked by a big guy is for the bottom to sit on the top. This enables the passive partner to have much greater control of what goes on and also allows fairly deep penetration. Also remember that the average size dick is around 5 1/2 - 6 inches and most guys who enjoy being fucked will be able to take someone around this size.
As for really big this depends upon what you mean. Guys with larger dicks would normally be considered to be around 8 inches or larger - most guys who act as tops in porn movies are around the 8 - 9 inches mark although obviously there are some guys who are even larger than this. Taking a larger dick fully inside can take some time to achieve, so relax, try different positions and practice with a good sized dildo to see if you are able to get more in than using the previous positions you've tried.
Remember, if it hurts stop! That's your body telling you that it's not for you!
Matt asks: I often fantasise about hiring an escort. I have never hired a guy before, and don't really know what to expect. How do I make sure he'll want to do what I want, and I'll fancy him when he turns up? What are really the dos and don'ts of hiring an escort and is it something to be ashamed of?
James answers: Well it's one of the oldest professions in the world and there are an awful lot of people who hire escorts. If you choose to hire an escort then don't be ashamed of it, be sure that it is something you want to do first, and you are in the right frame of mind about enjoying it.
Before hiring an escort it is a good idea to check all their details and pictures first. Most escorts have either their own websites or a homepage on an escort directory where you can check their stats and see their pictures. It is important that you study all the information before even calling him.
A lot of guys often think that escorts are quite happy to do anything and everything! In reality that is not true and they all have their own lists of what they do and what they don't do. It is also a good idea to check with the escort when you call them that they are quite happy to do what you have in mind, particularly who is going to top and who is going to bottom.
Decide whether you want the escort to come to you (an out call), or for you to visit him (an in call). It is important to get the escort to confirm the prices for the amount of time you require, and the price will often also depend on whether you want an in call or an out call. Ask him how recent his pictures are as well, it will also give you a good idea of what he looks like. Some escorts do not put their face pictures online, but a lot of them will send you one if you email asking for it.
Most escorts are good at their job and if you are polite and friendly and treat them well, then you should have a great time. Do make sure that you have a bath or shower directly before visiting an escort, you should find that they will have had one too. Whatever happens relax and enjoy yourself and their company.