James Connor can answer all your questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James founded his own highly successful gay website and film label called FreshSX. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his experiences as a gay man who enjoys all aspects of love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor or therapist but his advice is like that of a close friend.

The Ask James Archive has loads of questions and answers featured in previous editions of the column.

Ask James

This Week - Anal lubes, Menage a trois and Massage


Ted breathes in deeply: Hey James, is numbing anal lube safe to use? It’s the only way I feel relaxed... I've always been too nervous to relax if we try to have anal without it. What else is worth a try?


James says: Hi Ted, the lubes that have a slight numbing sensation contain topical anesthetics like benzocaine or lidocaine and are designed to make anal sex less painful.

The issue here is that when done properly anal sex is not painful! The most common reason for it to hurt is when the sex is rushed without enough preparation. The muscles inside your ass need to be fully relaxed in order to have the best anal sex.

Your partner needs to relax you first using his fingers. At all times you need to use a lot of lube. You can also use a dildo to relax more as well. Then once you do get to actually fuck you are well prepared and it should not hurt at all. If it does hurt then you should stop and slow down. The more you take it easy, the better it will be.

Breathing is also a great way of relaxing. If you can learn how to breathe deeply then this will also help you relax while having anal sex. If you do chose to use one of the anal numbing lubes then that is up to you, but just remember that there are lots of other ways apart from that.

If anal sex ever becomes uncomfortable or painful then you would be advised to stop so as not to injure yourself.





Nik needs to know: Hi James, this is the first time I've found your site and the first time I've ever asked a question like this. Boy, am I confused. I am married and love my wife dearly. We have had a great sex life and do everything together. Recently, I have had thoughts about another man joining us during sex. I didn't tell my wife this, however. Just a short time ago, my wife said that she thought that I would like to make love to her and another man at the same time. She has someone in mind. Is it normal to have two guys and a girl in bed? Should we have sex and my wife watch or do you think she just needs two men. How do I know what he wants? What should I do?


James replies: Hi, well I would guess that what your wife was suggesting was more that she would have 2 men in her bed rather than she would be watching you have sex with another man.

Many people are bisexual and so if you are happily married and are also having thoughts about experiencing sexual contact with a man then that is nothing to be afraid of. If she has already opened a dialogue for having a threesome then you should pursue this and ask her what she would like. Then if you feel you want it too, you can also explain what it is you want, and see how she reacts.

Judge the situation as you are speaking with her to decide exactly what to talk about. And try not to worry as there are a lot of people having the same thoughts as you!





Dan gets rubbed up the wrong way: Hey James. I am unsure as to whether I should expect to have sex with a guy who offers me a massage. Are almost all I've seen advertised seem to be "natural" massages, "tantric" or "release". Are the massages with "extras" a proper massage with an extra, or are they just the extra bit under another name?


James answers: There are a lot of masseurs who only offer a professional massage. If you see a massage offered with 'release' then that would mean that there was sexual activity being offered as well, probably sucking or wanking.

The only real way of finding out would be to ask the person offering the massage what they are offering. Anyone studying massage will have to have a certain number of practice sessions and there are strict rules on where to not place the hands in order for it not to be construed as being sexual.

This is really a matter of you doing your research. Asking what's on offer on the phone or in an email is far less embarrassing than waiting until you are actually having the massage.




 

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