SPEAKING OF FIDELITY

Just what is monogamy good for? Well, it ensures a line of succession: a dad knows which kids are his, and who'll inherit the family manor. And there's little doubt that a stable home life is good for rearing kids. On the other hand, monogamy is a recent feature of many societies, and often related to the notion of wife-as-property, complete with a double standard for men and women. So what does all this have to do with a couple of gay guys, especially those who don't want to raise kids?

Much of it has to do with emotion, of course - the "forsaking all others" ideal. "If I'm in love," says one romantic guy, "I want my partner to be so into me that he's just not interested in having other men." Certainly, many male couples have successfully made a go of long-term monogamy, and more power to them. But for others, it can be a strain.

"Listen," says a gay man who's been with his partner for decades, "from the beginning, we both wanted the freedom to be with other guys. And I think that not feeling restricted, being able to have sexual variety, has been a big part of keeping us together and emotionally faithful to one another. Sure, we have feelings for other men, but we know we're always number one in each other's hearts."

Surely, some of all this has to do with being male. As one female-to-male transsexual says, "When I was a woman, I used to think that gay men were selfish sluts. But once I started injecting testosterone, I began to understand. Big time."

There may well be something to the idea that internalized homophobia causes some queer men to disrespect themselves and others. Few would argue it's healthy to be a heartless, compulsive Casanova who lies and cheats to his lover. But why impose a one-model-fits-all ideal on every male/male relationship, especially a model founded in the imperatives of het childrearing? "The whole idea of romantic love leading to monogamous marriage is a fairly recent invention," says a homo historian. "In some cultures, it's still a matter of 'first comes marriage, then comes love.' And there are places around the world where a man having at least a couple of wives is not just OK, but positively desirable."

That guy in the long-term open relationship adds, "It's really about commitment and honesty. I try to be clear about things, not only with my lover but with the other men I see, whether I'm with them for an hour or they're my buds for years." He laughs. "God, don't I sound like a saint?"

Some would accuse him of trying to have his cake and eat it, too. Others would praise him for trying to re-envision the whole notion of "baked goods." Perhaps it all boils down to us queer men respecting one other and the choices we make, just as we demand that straights respect us. Monogamous couples aren't necessarily old-fashioned, dishonest, and uptight. And open relationships aren't necessarily dysfunctional, dishonest, and immature.

Different folks. Different strokes. So stroke away.

Simon Sheppard

Now here's your chance to meet the man behind this column. OutUK has an interview with Simon Sheppard or you can take a look at some of his books that are currently available:

       

Looking for something very sexy and just as smart? Man on Man collects the best and hottest gay sex writing by Simon, who is also co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power as well as a collection of gay erotica called Hotter Than Hell.

In KINKORAMA : Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion he takes readers behind the unmarked doors and black vinyl curtains that lead to the sometimes shocking, often hilarious, relentlessly arousing scenarios of extreme sex. There are also stories of bears in Tales from the Bear Cult: Beat Bear Stories from the Best Magazines.