SPEAKING OF COMPROMISE

Brought up as we are on a diet of romantic movies and picture-perfect male models, it's no wonder that many queer men have high standards. But learning to enjoy what's possible is not the same as admitting defeat. No one's expecting you to fuck a guy you find unattractive, but if someone lacks a six-pack, why not be happy with a four-pack instead? You may drool over eight-inchers, but are you fussy enough to turn up your nose at a nice, hard fiver?

Long-term relationships, too, work best when both guys are realistic about what's possible. Life can't be roses and love songs every single day, and no one man is going to be absolutely everything you want - unless you're even luckier than a lottery winner. Says the man who's in a 10-year relationship, "The odd thing is that if you love someone, you value all sorts of odd things about him. Which is not to say my boyfriend doesn't irritate or disappoint me sometimes. He's only human. But he's mine."

Domestic relationships work best when they're a compromise, but some arrangements - like who does the laundry - are easier to thrash out than such thorny issues as differing expectations of monogamy. OK, it's a cliche, but discussion works better than simmering resentment. And remember, you won't always get your way.

That goes for life between the sheets, too. Everyone has his own sexual needs, and it's up to each of us to make sure ours are met...within reason. One toppish leatherman complains, "There are just so many bottom guys out there who have these very set fantasies and expect you to work your ass off to fulfill them." But even someone who's not bossy about bondage might be placing unreasonable expectations on each and every sex act. Sure, sometimes orgasms are mind-blowing, unforgettable, transcendent moments. But other times, they're just the spilling of seed. And if you're dating somebody and the sex is often just so-so, you might want to ask yourself just whose fault that is.

Or, better than assigning blame, focus on the sexy stuff about every carnal contact. It's not a matter of being pathetic or desperate. It's a highway to happiness. One observer of the queer scene says, "So many of us are brought up in homophobic situations that it's small wonder we have mixed feelings about ourselves and the sex we have. And so, gay guys will subconsciously set themselves up for emotional and sexual disappointments."

Many men find that they become more open-minded with experience, age, or a couple of drinks. But it's never too soon to take a realistic look at what you can expect, and learn to enjoy what you can get. As Mum might say: love yourself, act kindly to others, and be happy fucking the one you're with.

Simon Sheppard

Now here's your chance to meet the man behind this column. OutUK has an interview with Simon Sheppard or you can take a look at some of his books that are currently available:

       

Looking for something very sexy and just as smart? Man on Man collects the best and hottest gay sex writing by Simon, who is also co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power as well as a collection of gay erotica called Hotter Than Hell.

In KINKORAMA : Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion he takes readers behind the unmarked doors and black vinyl curtains that lead to the sometimes shocking, often hilarious, relentlessly arousing scenarios of extreme sex. There are also stories of bears in Tales from the Bear Cult: Beat Bear Stories from the Best Magazines.