SPEAKING OF CLOSETSWe all know what "coming out," is, and most all of us agree that letting the world know we're queer is a liberating, desirable thing to do. There are plenty of reasons why a guy might not come out - or at least not come out to everyone - but whatever the motive, being in the closet can be a king-sized drag. (Or a queen-sized one.) | |
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But the "nobody knows I'm gay" closet isn't the only one. When it comes to sexuality,
the world is chock-full of secrets. If a guy says, "I'm queer," it's safe to assume
he likes to suck dick, maybe fuck or get fucked. But what about having a yen to lick
feet? To get paddled? To be spat on by a burly guy dressed in drag? What about
keeping those desires in the closet?
There are many reasons not to broadcast that you want to, say, tie men up and whip them. First, there are legal considerations. Consensual S/M has only just been decriminalised here in the UK. Depending on where you live in the world, you might think twice before making your cock a criminal. |
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But even if you live somewhere where your kink of choice is legal, there may be other reasons
to keep things quiet. "I'm pretty well-known in my community," says one executive type. "So,
though I love to get tied up firmly and used hard, I'd rather that it not become common
knowledge." In that sense, too, being closeted about your sexual preferences isn't all
that different from being secretive about your orientation. Kinky folks can face
societal disapproval, career problems, derision from their friends - in many circles,
it's not easy being even the least bit pervy.
Within kinky communities, though, sexual secrecy can take different forms. One experienced player says, "I have a reputation among leather folks as a nasty total top. But lately I've discovered my bottom side. I've grovelled for a couple of men and done it well, if I say so myself. I just wouldn't want the news to get around my butch mates." When a closet's involved, keeping things quiet can be tricky. Sure, deviant desires can be kept in the world of masturbatory fantasy, with no one else being the wiser - for many men, that's a workable solution. "If I never really dominate another man, that's okay," says one guy. "I'm happy just beating off to S/M porn." Others lead an erotic double life. The respectably partnered businessman next door may spend his spare time at sleazy sex parties or might advertise for bondage slaves on the Internet. Keeping that sort of thing secret depends on a group that respects privacy, or tricks who know how to keep their mouths shut. As with other in-the-closet situations, you can make a political case for coming out: Maybe if everybody knew how many folks were into kinky sex, it wouldn't be demonised and criminalised. But then, as one nicely twisted fellow says, "Hey, what I do in the playroom is nobody's business but my own. And my topman's." Most crucially, if kink lost some of its secretive sense of the forbidden, would it be as much fun? So being in the closet about some sexual practices may be a marker of shame and secrecy, or it may be a sensible precaution that, additionally, keeps things hot. Or both. Just don't let the door hit your ass on your way out of the closet. Unless, of course, that kind of thing gets you off.
Simon SheppardNow here's your chance to meet the man behind this column. OutUK has an interview with Simon Sheppard or you can take a look at some of his books that are currently available:
Looking for something very sexy and just as smart? Man on Man collects the best and hottest gay sex writing by Simon, who is also co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power as well as a collection of gay erotica called Hotter Than Hell. In KINKORAMA : Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion he takes readers behind the unmarked doors and black vinyl curtains that lead to the sometimes shocking, often hilarious, relentlessly arousing scenarios of extreme sex. There are also stories of bears in Tales from the Bear Cult: Beat Bear Stories from the Best Magazines. | |
