Years of jokes have only put the sex back into Essex claims horned up local gay boy
Adrian Gillan, returning to his roots.
How do Essex boys turn the light off after sex?
They shut the car door!
How is an Essex boy like a £10 note?
He gets passed from man to man!
Why do Essex boys wear briefs?
To keep their ankles warm!
From Stansted to Southend few people throughout history can have endured the torrent of abuse rained upon Essex
Boy and Girl over recent decades. Guys like me – Essex born and bred - only survived
those long, dark years by laughing all the louder at the uptight neo-Thatcherites
looking for scapegoats, as they chuckled and guffawed at supposed herds of white-socked
Neanderthals in Shermans humping brain-dead air-head slags in white Ford Capris down
And we can scarce stop grinning now - now that this fairy tale has actually matured
into a mythical brand with balls, with cred.
What does the label in an Essex boy’s briefs say?
“Where are you from?” he asks.|
“Essex. And you?” I reply defiantly, my smile scarce stifling the yawn on hearing
he’s from Worcestershire, Staffordshire, Herefordshire or some other faceless shire
I’ve never heard of let alone placed on a map.
Essex is now endowed with an identity strong enough to make the Scots and Welsh -
nay even the Yorkshiremen – quake in their glens, valleys and dales. Watch out
Geordies! Forget cultureless crass: you’ve just ended up making us funny, feisty,
raw and – the ultimate style prize – sexy!
“Yeah, I love telling guys I’m from Essex,” 18 year old Ben from Chelmsford tells
OutUK. “It breaks the ice straight off. |
I think lots of guys I meet in London find
it a bit of a turn on, especially if they’ve never had an Essex lad before. Once
you've got them to stop laughing they’re soon staring at your crotch.”
Romford is home turf of bar babe Sam.
Pay day! So it seems you’ve only gone and put the sex back in Essex. We got it,
you want it. You want what you made us: the loud, wild and hopelessly horny ‘Essex Lad’,
the supreme hybrid cross between a hormonal street kid and some cute, straight-acting
boy next door.
Accept no imitations - take a field trip out onto the rural Essex scene. There’s
nothing like the real thing.
“I think the media have helped give Essex back its cool,” contends 21 year old bar
babe Sam from Romford, coming to terms with his new found status. “The likes of
Jamie Oliver and Denise Van Outen show you no longer have to hide the fact you're
He continues: “So-called ‘Essex Boy fashion’ has ended up in clubs and across the
gay scene: guys in sports wear, caps, Adidas and trainers. I’ve even seen 80’s
retro “ESSEX BOY!” T-shirts! So it can’t all be that bad. Better than looking
like some stuck-up charmless, sexless Wallpaper ponce!”
“And the good thing about an accent,” crows Sam sexily, “is that you can really
play it up, depending where you are and who you’re with. So if I’m larging it with
my gay pals in Romford – or in Soho for that matter – I think you’d know about it!”
What's the first thing an Essex boy does when he wakes up?
He goes home!
Oh yes, we’re definitely out and about now: proud to be gay, proud to be Essex.
So you see boys, the last laugh’s on us. Sorry, where did you say you were from?