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Today I called a good friend that I hadn’t talked to in quite a while, writes Jimmy Ward. After the initial “hello’s” and obligatory chitchat she asked the dreaded question! “So, have you got a boyfriend yet?” Dum-ta-Dum-Dum.

Well, being a comedian (of the self-professed variety) my reply was: “No, I am terminally single.” Terminally Single! I thought it was pretty funny! But, what was I really saying?

True Love
Will I really die if I don’t find a partner? Can treatments of occasional dates and one-night-stands prolong my life? Is there a hospice program for this? How long do I have?

Oh sure, I have had periods of remission. Several times actually. Okay, more times than I care to admit!

The first time I went into remission it was with a guy who wasn’t gay. Yeah Right! For two years we dated, but he wasn’t gay. Then he decided to straighten up and fly right; he has been happily married for close to ten years now.

From there I moved on to the Stylist. Oh, but this one was not meant to be either; for I was just the In-Town-Work week-Squeeze. We had some great times together and have remained great friends. Some find this odd, but it works for us.

A short time later, the man that I thought was my Prince Charming waltzed into my life. I spent the next four years with Mr. Construction thinking; “This is the one!” Wrong, Again! He woke up one morning with the fear that he was no longer attractive! SO! I thought he was; who cares what everyone else thinks!

Sounds like I have been around the block a time or two doesn’t it? Oh, there have been more. The florist who just didn’t deserve someone like me. The Nurse’s Aide who cared too much.

Maybe I misdiagnosed myself, it’s just a rash. Yeah, that’s it just a rash of bad luck. A rash of insecure, commitment shy, neurotic men! Yeah that’s the ticket! There is nothing wrong with me at all!

Even with all of the failures in the past; I would love to have someone to come home to, someone to share dinner with, snuggle on the couch with, watch movies with, and sleep like spoons with. Heck, who doesn’t?

Okay. Maybe I'm not Terminally Single…..Just Relationship Challenged!

I guess what I need to do is start screening that “Potential New Boyfriend” just a little bit better. Our questionnaire below might just help.

Here are our Top 10 questions about love and sex. Just be very careful how you use them!

1. Have you ever hooked up with somebody based on their proximity to
   your phone (using GRINDR, etc)?

2. Do you prefer BJs or regular intercourse?

3. What would you do if your partner cheated on you?

4. What's the dirtiest text message you've ever received?

5. Who's in charge - the top or the bottom?

6. Is there a sexual fetish that turns you off?

7. Have you ever been to a sex party, bathhouse, or participated in a 3 or
   more way?

8. Would you ever make a sex tape?

9. Do you have a gag reflex?

10. Have you ever cried over or had your heart broken by another guy?


So just what should be the best answers from your man?

1. Only Once - You.
2. Both?
3. Dump him.
4. I want your cock inside of me right now!
5. Well, it's like a car - the top (AKA the driver) thinks he's the one in charge,
    but the bottom (AKA the car) is technically the master.
6. Shoes, blood, piss, shit or anything else yucky.
7. Who hasn't?
8. Already done.
9. Not any more.
10. Of course, but hopefully not ever because of you.


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