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In case you haven’t noticed, astrology is not in the business of telling the complete truth, writes astrologer Charlene Lichtenstein. That’s why traits like “cheap”, “spiteful” and “ugly” become “thrifty”, “intense” and “good personality”. Why pay good hard earned money to be insulted and called an asshole (unless that’s your kind of a thing and hey, I have no problem with that). Astrologer Charlene Lichtenstein brings you the real truth about that megahunk at the end of the bar and suggests you first find out his star sign and consult the following before you send over that bottle of champagne.
ARIES March 21-April 20
Aggressive is one word for it, but domineering, overbearing and arrogant are more like Aries the Ram. Rams are about a subtle as tight Levis stuffed with socks and think nothing of pointing out the deficiencies of others. Aries’ idea of parity is when they get 99% and work on the rest. In war, they are not only vicious fighters, they are also the profiteers and opportunists. Mitigating factors: Great to shop with (such a deal!) but wear a disguise. Those born under the sign of Aries include Lucrezia Borgia and Adolf Hitler.
TAURUS April 21-May 21
Astrology books say they are persevering but HA! Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. Taureans are slow to catch on, conservative to the point of reactionary and appallingly gluttonous. There’s no stopping them once they’ve made their mind made up. Unfortunately, it takes them so long to make up their mind, nobody’s around to hear what they finally said. Mitigating factors: Fun at orgies especially if catered. Those born under the sign of Taurus include Lenin, Saddam Hussein and Eva Peron.
GEMINI May 22-June 21
Fickle, flighty and just plain annoying; sound vaguely familiar? Geminis are always looking for the best deal for themselves even if it means stepping on the backs of old friends to get it. On the bright side, Geminis toss off friends as fast as they make them so there aren’t too many old friends left to lose. Mitigating factors: Great for cast-offs and leftovers. Those born under the sign of Gemini include Latoya Jackson and Pat Boone.

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For Entertainment Purposes Only. Madam Lichtenstein, a Sagittarian, doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but can’t help it. © Charlene Lichtenstein, All Rights Reserved

 

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