Aaron Lawrence is a 24 year old escort and porn star from New Jersey. He's also got a college degree in Psychology and is the author of The Male Escort's Handbook just published in the USA and Suburban Hustler available here in the UK. Every fortnight in OutUK he answers your questions on being gay, sex and relationships. And any other stuff you might want to ask. He says "My advice is based on my experiences in the sex industry, academia, and life. In no way am I a medical doctor, licensed psychologist, trained sex therapist, or God. Please read my advice with those limitations in mind".

Aaron 'sez: I like your boyfriend's point of view. Just because you're not willing to dive into his sweaty and stinky pits, you're straight. Yup, that's the definition of a straight man in my book: someone who likes to suck dick but doesn't like male armpit odor. The reverse applies as well. A gay guy is someone who isn't willing to lick a woman's sweaty pits. Works for me!

In all seriousness, your boyfriend seriously needs a clue. Sweat can be really erotic as he claims, but as you well know it can also be nasty and unappealing. And although he may find his sweat to be extremely masculine and erotic, it's really not his decision to make. You're the one that he's asking to lick his armpits, after all. So start by understanding that you're in the right here, and that you don't need to lick anywhere that grosses you out. Or even mildly bothers you for that matter. You have the right to limit what you do sexually for any reason.

Of course this isn't about being right and wrong either. You'd like to come up with a solution that meets both of your needs. So why not try an approach that doesn't involve arguing over the issue. Start by not making hygiene demands on him ("Ack! Bleeech! Go wash your pits!"). Eroticise process by taking a hot shower together before you have sex. Give his armpits lots of attention as you clean each other. You'll find he's only wet with water then. If you guys get totally hot and heavy in the shower, great. That's all the more time you can work over his armpits without any problems. You don't even need to shower with him right before you have sex, too. Joining him for his morning or nighttime shower will lead to all sorts of sweat-free fun, too.

Outside of the shower, there are still a few things you can do. Keep the room temperature a bit on the cool side. You may find 70 degrees to be comfortable, but he may sweat like a pig during sex at that temperature. Switching the heater down to 65 may solve half your trouble. Try also immediately working on his armpits after he washes them off. If you wait an hour or two before having sex, that will give time for the sweat to come back.

And what sort of deodorant does he use? Is he even using one? Switching may solve the smell and wetness problem, but may also completely dry out your mouth when you lick him. Try visiting an environment-friendly/vegetarian market and look at the sorts of natural deodorants they have. Some of them may help with the same issues, but not cause your mouth to pucker when you work on him.

Either way, get him on brainstorming solutions. It's a team effort here, and whether he's a sweathog or you're a prig isn't the issue. If you want to have a good sex life you're going to have to work around this. Good luck!

Aaron 'sez: Yes and no. Yes, oil-based lubricants like baby oil, hand lotion, and Vaseline are safe to use from a medical perspective. Unless you're one of those rare people who has some sort of chemical sensitivity to them, they won't cause any problem if you use them for anal sex. On the flipside, be aware that no, they are not safe to use with latex condoms. The vast majority of condoms will disintegrate if they come into contact with oil-based lubes. Only polyurethane condoms (such as Avanti condoms) are safe to use with them.

As a side note, polyurethane condoms have a slightly higher failure rate than latex condoms do. They're both still great options, but for maximum safety go with latex condoms and a water-based lube.

Aaron 'sez: I have a question for you: Who is it that you're not ready to come out to? Your family? Your friends? Your neighbors? Your boss? Your paperboy? Your dog? I can't imagine that many of these people frequent your local gay bar or are members of your local gay community organization. And even if you did run into them there I think you'd only get a welcoming smile. So why not meet guys through all the traditional avenues that the rest of use: bars, print and online personal ads, chatrooms, and gay organizations. You'll definitely want to pick up a copy of the 2001 Damron Guide to get an idea of just what resources exist in your area. And living in NJ as you do, I can already tell you there are lots. Check out the Gay Activist Alliance of Morris County to learn about one good one.

Aaron 'sez: Wait a moment. You mean to say that good looking guys have been cruising you in bars, and you haven't even taking the time to get to know them? I'm totally shocked. You're looking for a top to fuck your brains out, and you haven't even asked these guys in the bars if they'd like to share a drink with you. This ain't rocket science my friend. It's extremely likely that some of those guys in bars are tops that want a piece of your butt. So go make sure you have condoms and lube on your nightstand, and then go out by yourself for a long evening on the town. Methinks you'll have your legs in the air long before last call.

Aaron 'sez: What I said was that when you are sober pain is a good measurement of your body's natural limitations during sex. And that's ongoing pain, my friend. Not the gloriously challenging and stimulating feeling of having one's ass stretched wide to receive a huge dick, or that brief intense burst of pain you receive when someone tries to shove his dick into you too quickly. I mean constant and ongoing pain usually accompanied by blood. If you're feeling that way, you've really done something majorly wrong.

As for what can be done if you were to deliberately try to destroy your own body via your ass? Well, gee, you can tear the inside lining of your rectum causing internal bleeding. Done seriously enough it can lead to your death. Even if you live you may have to have major surgery resulting in the necessary use of a colostomy bag. In layman's terms that mean your intestines now aim through a hole in your side and dump your body's waste into a bag. Your anus is completed sewed closed as part of the surgery.

To avoid the risk of rectal injury, avoid the use of drugs when you're engaging in heavy anal play. And never, never, never slide anything sharp up your ass that has a sharp edge or can break. That rule includes beer bottles, in spite of whatever you may have seen during porn movies. If you have a few traces of blood after sex, give it a few days and see if they stop on their own. As long as they stop within three or four days you're fine. It's when the bleeding doesn't stop that you need to see your doctor.

And if there's ever a lot of blood, IMMEDIATELY head to your local emergency room if you want to avoid permanent complications or death.

Aaron 'sez: Whoa there! Before you have sex, you two need to have a little talk. According to ageofconsent.com, the age of consent in Mexico is 18 for gay couples. That means your boyfriend is risking arrest and jail time if you two have sex. You may have a history of being sexually active, but one of the greatest gifts you may want to give him is to wait until you can legally play. You'd hate for him to wind up in jail because you just had to get your rocks off.

Whenever you decide to play, it won't be hard to make it a special encounter. Here's one idea. Take a day when the two of you can spend time together without anyone interrupting you. Spend the day doing things that the two of you enjoy. Long walks, playing video games, shopping, having him help you study for school, or whatever you two do that brings you closer together. If you have a kitchen available, cook dinner together rather than going out. It may seem silly, but the teamwork involved in making a candlelight dinner together will bring you even closer. Don't eat too much though, as you don't want to be totally full when it comes time to play. And don't forget to wash the dishes first, you're not going to want to do that later on too, and you'd hate for your folks to find everything.

Once everything is set, fill the tub with lots of hot water. Put in some bubble soap so you can take a bubblebath. Light a few candles for ambiance. Slowly take off your clothes and let him see what you look like. Climb in the tub, and then invite him to take off his clothes and join you. Soak in the hot water and spend some time touching each others' bodies. By the time you two start having sex you're going to be so hot for each other that it will be the most special night of his (and your) life.

Aaron 'sez: Hmm, that's interesting. I have heard of escorts using latex gloves for assplay, but never to jack someone off. Latex gloves are great when fingering someone if that person isn't the most hygienic person in the nether region. I try to keep a pair of gloves in my bag for just that reason - some clients just don't know how to clean themselves off before sex. I suppose a few do it for health reasons, but I tend to doubt it. Why not ask those escorts you have met why they use them. You should get an accurate answer as long as you don't make them uncomfortable by ask why they used gloves with you in particular.

Aaron 'sez: You get on the phone to your local gay info line and ask if they can recommend a gay-friendly divorce lawyer to you. While you're on the phone with the line, ask them if they have a married gay men's support group. Then give the lawyer a call and set up a meeting. Even a best-case divorce has a lot of legal pitfalls, and you are going to want to learn as much as you can.

You're also not going to want to spend any more time in this marriage than you already have. I'm not saying you want to spring the truth on her at the same time you hand her the divorce papers - ask your lawyer for his thoughts on that matter. I'm saying that you already made one mistake, and staying in the marriage just because you said "I do" isn't going to correct that. In fact, staying with her will only delay whatever life goals she may have of finding a partner, settling down, and raising a family. For better or for worse, you're not the person she had thought you would be. The kindest thing you can do for her is to end the marriage before you have a house full of kids and a situation that makes your current one enviable.

Aaron sez: I receive many submissions of questions I have already answered. Aaron's Advice is published every couple of weeks in OutUK and you can see my past OutUK columns in the OutBack archive.

Bedtime Reading

Aaron's bestseller which graphically reveals his businesslike approach to the world's oldest profession. Available at Amazon.

Aaron sez :
For more information about gay health, check out Dr. Goldstone's book, The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex.

Suburban Hustler - Memoirs Of A HiTech Callboy is Aaron's first bestseller which has sold more than 200,000 copies at AmazonUK alone. Available here.