Aaron Lawrence is a 24 year old escort and porn star from New Jersey. He's also got a college degree in Psychology and is the author of The Male Escort's Handbook just published in the USA and Suburban Hustler available here in the UK. Every fortnight in OutUK he answers your questions on being gay, sex and relationships. And any other stuff you might want to ask. He says "My advice is based on my experiences in the sex industry, academia, and life. In no way am I a medical doctor, licensed psychologist, trained sex therapist, or God. Please read my advice with those limitations in mind".

Aaron 'sez: Now friend, be honest. Do you honestly thing this is a question that I can answer? Not to be rude here, but that IS a question that is far more suited for your doctor than a sex advice column. I haven't the faintest idea what a pilonidal cyst is, what the nature of your operation was, what the significance of a leaking cyst is, and how all these interact with your overall health. So do yourself a favour. Give your doctor a call and ask him, or bring it up during your next exam. If you're embarrassed to say you like being fucked by guys, just say that you'd like a doctor's clearance for your girlfriend or wife to anally stimulate you.

Aaron 'sez: It's illegal for men in the United States to engage in prostitution, so naturally magazines try to avoid the headline "Prostitutes." In their place they run several different phrases, such as models, escorts, masseurs, and bodyworkers. Here are a few definitions for you. Escorts are prostitutes who find their clients through print ads or on the Internet. Masseurs are escorts that provide erotic massage services and masturbation rather than full sex. Bodyworkers are masseurs who work in areas where it is illegal to advertise massage services without a license. Finally, models are people that are hired to show off their bodies/clothes, but in reality fall into any of the above categories.

Aaron 'sez: How do I react, or how should escorts in general react? Well, both are pretty close to the same thing. I agree with you that clients should have the right to privacy. But I'd also point out that escorts have that same right. The same goes for porn stars in public when their fans see them, too. Escort and porn star Kevin Williams described one incident where a fan approached Kevin while he was dining at a restaurant with his mother! Obviously this is totally inappropriate. I am fortunate enough to have never had this happen to me, but I have seen my clients in public on a number of occasions, and have been recognized and approached by others dozens of times beyond that.

Honestly? I'd say both clients, escorts, and fans alike need to use their judgement.  It's one thing to politely smile or nod at the person, and another to approach them when they are surrounded by a crowd of friends. But use your common sense. What is totally inappropriate in one situation may be completely fine in another context.

Aaron 'sez: Not knowing where in Mexico you live I can't tell you any specific organizations. But I'd start by contacting your local gay/lesbian info line. They may be able to help you get out and start meeting people. Rather than focus on men who want to meet older men, I'd suggest getting out in any environment which brings you around gay people. At 78 you won't be able to help meeting younger people, and some of them will like older men. As they get to know you who knows what can happen? Good luck!

During sex I seem to withdraw myself. I don't know why and it's with out trying. I seem to not be able to concentrate on the act it's self.  This is extremely hard for me. And I don't know what to do. My lover of a year is very good with me.  He doesn't pressure me into anything. Everything that we do is consenting, and welcomed.  He has been able to give me a "blowjob" and make me ejaculate only a hand full of times.  I am worried that because of my past I am not fully open to this.  I hate it very much. Because believe me I am not trying to sound disrespectful in anyway, but I love it. It feels good.  Why can't I enjoy this act to the fullest.  In every other way sexually I think that I have a grasp. Well maybe not. I still seem to withdraw at times. I would like to be more aggressive, verbal and participating.  Can you help me with some kind of advice?

Aaron 'sez: For starters, you should go find yourself a good counsellor and begin talking these issues over. You clearly (and understandably) have a lot of pent-up emotions about being abused, and being able to discuss them would do you good. The counselor can help you with more than just discussing issues, too. Presumably you still come into contact with the abusive relatives (as well as those that chose not to intervene). Although the physical abuse may be over, the emotional wounds are very likely still continuing to this day. A counsellor can help you address how to handle your current situation with these relatives as well.

That being said, you described your "problem" as a pattern of withdrawing during sex. This may very well be related to your abuse, or might be simply you discovering you have a different sort of style in bed than you think you should. Plenty of people who are not abuse-survivors have unique styles in bed. It's almost impossible for me to cum from a blowjob, for example. So it might be more your own style in bed than the abuse.

Still, survivors of sexual abuse have a ton of issues to work through when it comes to building or rebuilding a sex life for themselves. Find yourself a qualified shrink and start working through your issues.

Aaron 'sez: Lots of guys don't have orgasms during anal sex. Sometimes it is because their bodies just aren't wired that way, and sometimes it is because the condoms that we use take away some of the sensation. Similarly, lots of guys don't cum from oral sex. I'm that way myself. And while it used to bother me, it hasn't done so in years.

Sure, it's a bummer being wired a tad differently. But usually guys that don't cum the usual ways can find other things that turn them on immensely.  In my own case it's having my balls played with.  That really sends me through the ceiling! I suspect if you experiment and play long enough you'll find sexual activities that really get you hot. It's just a matter of incorporating them into your own sex life.  There is no rule that says you have to cum while fucking someone.

If cumming inside your partner is that important to you, try jacking yourself off close to orgasm before he sucks you or you fuck him. In the case of fucking, you may want to try different condoms, lubes, positions, or even times of day. It may take a bit of experimentation, but you may be able to find a way. And if you don't, who cares? Sex is a giant "smorgasbord." Grab what you like, forget what you don't, and don't try to spell that word while doing so.

Aaron 'sez: Straight sex doesn't play nearly as safe as gay sex because the straight community wasn't decimated by AIDS in the 1980's. During that time period the gay porn industry was hit just as hard (if not harder) than the gay community at large. Although the gay porn community was extremely slow in adapting to safe sex, when it did so it embraced it in almost a moralistic way.

Straight sex has had no such experience and has elected to deal with issues of safe sex different. Many straight companies require a HIV test no more than two weeks before the movie is scheduled to be shot. Of course, many more companies don't even bother with that. I know of one video series (the "Sloppy Seconds" series) in which one woman will be fucked by five or six guys, all of whom will cum inside her. Attempting to do this in gay porn nowadays will probably result in the director and producer being lynched! To say nothing about most porn distribution companies refusing to carry the video.

In recent years the rise of barebacking in amateur porn has paralleled the rise of barebacking in the gay community at large, but so far that has had almost no effect on professional gay porn. Whether this trend will die out or if professional porn will lift their condom restrictions remains to be seen. The ultimate decision, I suspect, will be more in the hands of distribution companies rather than the producers. Even the world's best condomless porn movie won't sell well if it can't get into the stores.

Aaron 'sez: Yes, Ouch!  It works but it hurts. Definitely not something for majorly hairy guys to consider, but it may work for those without a lot of hair. I'd still only use this as a temporary solution though, and I'd check in advance to see how long it takes before the redness fades and the skin becomes normal-looking. You'd hate to wax right before a big date only to have your now-smooth ass look like a total wreck.

Aaron 'sez: An client of mine once joked that he was the world's only gay man who loves to eat pussy. Well, apparently he's not the only one. The occasional fantasy about women is both common and normal for gay men, just like the occasional fantasy about men is normal for straight guys. Just remember to respect their decisions to explore their same-sex fantasies in the same way you'd want them to respect your decision to (or not to) bang a woman.

1. Do I just go and ask him?
2. Do I follow his mannerisms?
3. If he is straight acting, how can I tell?
4. Please help! LOL!

Aaron 'sez: Congrats on coming out! Coming out as a teenager certainly does have its challenges, but it will put you years ahead of your peers in other ways as your life goes on. So bravo to you for accepting yourself and being proud of who you are. Of course coming out is only the first step.  Now you need to find a boyfriend, or at least a cute guy to snuggle with in the back of your car. (Mine was a 1981 Honda Civic, and I liked to park at the dead end of Jennifer Lane in Warren, NJ. Alas, they've expanded the road so it is no longer the world's most ideal make-out spot).

So how do you tell if a guy is gay... well, that's a toughie!  I wouldn't recommend going up to him and asking him.  If he's in a gay bar, you know already.  And if he's in school or on the street, he's unlikely to answer you honestly. Even if he even knows the answer. Remember that you are coming out earlier than a lot of guys do. No, I think that when it comes to guys you meet at school, a more subtle approach of "watching and waiting" is in order. Watch their eyes as people walk pass them and see whether he seems to be checking out the guys or the girls. And when you talk to him see if he uses nongender words. Such as "I'm dating a person" rather than "I'm dating a girl." Lots of guys will lie and say they're dating a girl, of course, but some will purposely hide the sex of the person instead.

Honestly though? I'd adapt a whole new approach. Since you're already on the Internet, why not use it to your advantage? Teen guys are a lot more bold about coming out this way. Go to gayyouthuk and find the teen message boards and the chat rooms. Then go to the search here on OutUK and type in "gay teens" and see what you find.  Why sort out the straight people if you can find gay guys right from the start?

Finally, look in your phone book under gay. You may find a gay organization or info line. Call 'em up and ask if they know of any gay youth resources in your area. Don't be afraid to call, they're friendly trained volunteers who are there to answer calls like yours. Talk to them and see what they suggest.  You may have a gay youth meeting group right in your area. G'luck!

Aaron 'sez: I love that part about being a sexy bitch. I'll have to remember that phrase.  I've never heard of a guy being described that way. How funny!

Seriously though, I'd like to know why your gaydar is going off if he's completely straight-acting.  There must be something suggesting that he likes guys unless it's just your wishful thinking. But rather than guess, why not come out to him? He's a friend you said, and friends are usually pretty good about stuff like this. Who knows? He may just come out to him in return.  That could lead to all sorts of interestingly sexual possibilities involving "coming out" if you catch my drift...

Aaron sez: I receive many submissions of questions I have already answered. Aaron's Advice is published every couple of weeks in OutUK and you can see my past OutUK columns in the OutBack archive.

Bedtime Reading

Aaron's bestseller which graphically reveals his businesslike approach to the world's oldest profession. Available at Amazon.

Aaron sez :
For more information about gay health, check out Dr. Goldstone's book, The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex.

Suburban Hustler - Memoirs Of A HiTech Callboy is Aaron's first bestseller which has sold more than 200,000 copies at AmazonUK alone. Available here.