Aaron Lawrence is a 24 year old escort and porn star from New Jersey. He's also got a college degree in Psychology and is the author of The Male Escort's Handbook just published in the USA and Suburban Hustler available here in the UK. Every fortnight in OutUK he answers your questions on being gay, sex and relationships. And any other stuff you might want to ask. He says "My advice is based on my experiences in the sex industry, academia, and life. In no way am I a medical doctor, licensed psychologist, trained sex therapist, or God. Please read my advice with those limitations in mind".

Anyway, without further ado, here is this week's column called
Aaron's Anal Advice.

Aaron 'sez: You have four questions? I have four answers: "No", "No", "No", and "what a strange question!"

Seriously though, your sphincter muscles in your anus do not normally shrink. If anything they actually relax over time. If there was any reason why your anus might have changed significantly over the years, you'd know it. For example, if you had surgery on your sphincter muscles, or if you were in a car accident and wound up with the tailpipe of a Jeep sticking out of your ass.

As for your last question, there isn't a formal answer to that question. Working your ass with a dildo isn't exactly physical therapy. At least the NHS certainly won't cover it! The stretching effect you get from working with a dildo is mostly gone within a few hours, and certainly within a day or two. What is important isn't as much the stretching effect, as it is teaching your muscles how to relax.

So if you want to learn how to be a bottom, buy yourself several dildos that are smaller, equal, and slightly larger than your lover's dick. Fuck yourself with them as you jack off. Then have your lover try working you with them. Do it laying on your back, sitting up, bending over, and in any other position you can think of. Have your lover help you with it - this certainly isn't an exercise for you alone! As you learn how to relax your muscles and to enjoy sex, your confidence will also increase. And when the day finally comes that your lover decides to take a ride in your butt, you will be surprised just how easily you'll be able to take it... and how good it feels when you do.

Aaron 'sez: How about a partner's thumb? Alternately, try going into any large sex shop or any of a number of online sex shops and look for dildos that have a curve or a slight angle to them. There are a number of dildo-like "anal probes" that you could do to massage your prostate. There are probably plenty of objects lying around your house you could do as well, but I'd be cautious about fucking yourself with any of those. Best to be safe than sorry when it comes to these matters. Slide the wrong object in your ass and you're really fucked.

Aaron 'sez: Whenever you give yourself an enema, remember the old expression "what goes up must come down." All that water you shove up your ass eventually pours back out. Most of it does immediately, but some of it comes back down after an hour or so of sitting in your intestines. By that point the water is pretty foul and unpleasant to behold. Not to mention a serious distraction to otherwise good sex. The solution? Don't pour so much water up there! Then wait an hour or two before sex, and make sure you do lots of bending, lying, standing, and other movement to gradually "pour" that water back into you rectum and out of your body.

Or better yet, use your hose for personal use, but not when prepping for sex. Buy a disposable enema, then use only half of it. If that doesn't do the trick then you will be better off making changes to your diet instead.

Aaron 'sez: If you're reading this column then you've already found an online resource. Another good one is Patrick's How-To Gay Sex Guide is an excellent resource. To a lesson extent you will find some sex advice on being fucked at gayhealth.com.

Aaron 'sez: Sure! Within reason, at least. When getting fucked, length is rarely the issue. Any dick about 7 inches and under should work out just fine, and even longer dicks shouldn't be a problem if the top knows what he is doing. The tricky part is the thickness. The thicker the dick, the more care must be taken not to hurt the bottom. Having a guy with a really big cock is a fun idea, but if you mean a really thick cock, that might be a bit tricky your first time. Certainly not impossible though, especially if the guy is friendly, fun, and makes you feel excited about being fucked for the first time.

Aaron 'sez: With the exception of American Pie, movies always portray a guy's first sexual experience as romantic and magical. The brief moment of awkwardness and uncertainty and doubt is whisked away on clouds of excitement and eroticism. Unfortunately, life ain't Hollywood. The reality of sex isn't quite as glamorous. The words "oops" and "sorry" will uttered as much or more as "more" and "yes!"

Anal sex has the dubious honour of being even more funky. It can be intensely pleasurable (even better than in the movies, incidentally), but is also more difficult to do. Sex education is notoriously lacking in this country, especially when it comes to gay sex. Fortunately for you, my years of escorting have taught me a few lessons that may come in handy for you.

First, pick the right guy. There are a lot of guys that would love to fuck a virgin bottom. That does not mean they are remotely skilled enough to do it. If your latest trick is nicknamed "Beercan" and isn't the most caring and sensitive lover, you might want to consider your options.

Second, play with a dildo first. There's nothing that says you have to get fucked the first time you have sex. Buy a few dildos in different sizes and try fucking yourself with them. If you find the experience pleasurable, ask your lover to use the dildos on yourself. Playing with toys will help you get used to the new sensations of being fucked, not to mention help you decide if you really like it or not.

Third, use lots of lube, patience, and foreplay. When it comes to fucking, there is no such thing as too much of any of those things. Go slowly, and spend lots and lots of time having your partner finger you and helping you to relax. I don't mean just thirty seconds, either. I mean more like ten minutes. As I said, you can't go too slowly the first time.

Fourth, be sure to use latex condoms and a water-based lubricant. Using condoms and the lube will help you avoid HIV and a number of other unpleasant sexually transmitted diseases. Knowing you are keeping yourself safe will help you to relax, which in turn helps avoid discomfort and pain. You can tell if your lube is water-based if it says so on the label, or if you see "water" as one of the ingredients. Look for warnings that the lubricant should not be used with latex condoms, too. If you find a label like that then the lube is oil-based, not water-based, and you should not use it.

Fifth, try getting fucked while you lay on your side. There are lots of positions to lose your virginity in, but getting fucked on your side is a great beginner position.

Sixth, don't be surprised when you suddenly feel like you need to go to the bathroom. Since being fucked is new to you, your body will be confused at the new forms of stimulation. As you get more practice at being fucked you'll learn to recognize the sensations better, but in the beginning you may feel like you need to use the bathroom. You're probably fine, but if you want to take a break and use it anyway, by all means go ahead. When you're done, don't be surprised if you need to use the bathroom. All that lube, cum, and air that he pumped in does need to come back. Just excuse yourself and take a "powder" for a bit.

Finally, slowly take his cock three times before you really go for it. The sphincter muscles reflexively tighten when they are penetrated. So when your lover starts sliding his dick into you, it is going to hurt a bit at first. Just tell him to pull out and wait a moment for the spasm to pass. Then try it again until it tightens again. Usually around the third or fourth time the muscles cease tightening and begin to relax. Once it feels comfortable, tell him how fast and how deep you want him to penetrate you.

There are plenty of other lessons to learn about being fucked, but those should be enough to get you started. Good luck!

Aaron 'sez: Very perceptive! Rimming (the licking of the anus) is a great way to relax a bottom before anal sex. By no means is it the only way or the best way, but it is certainly part of a well-balanced sexual diet.

Since you're about to have your first experience as a top, I suggest you think back to everything you wish your partner did for you when you were bottoming. You probably wish he took it more slowly, was more gentle, and spent lots more time on foreplay. Well, here's your chance to rewrite history in a fashion. Treat your lover the way you wish your first treated you. If he's an experienced bottom, he'll be able to help guide you through the process too.

One tip that many tops should know is to get the bottom ready for penetration before you worry about your own dick. What I mean is that if you get yourself hard and put the condom and then start to lube and play with the bottom, by the time he is ready you will probably have lost your erection. It is a much better idea to get that bottom ready to be fucked, and then to get yourself hard. Not only is it easier to get hard before the condom goes on, you'll be able to tease your partner something fierce while you play with yourself. The feeling of rubbing your dick up against his ass will drive him wild, too. Just don't get too excited and slip into him before you put on the rubber!

Aaron 'sez: You find someone to top you the same way you find someone to have oral sex with - ask! There are literally millions of guys in this country (and hundreds of millions worldwide) who love to climb on top of a guy's ass and drill downward. There's no secret to finding a top. Next time you're with a playmate, ask him if he'd like to top you. If topping isn't his thing, ask if he has any friends who would like to do so. As long as you keep your eyes and options open, it won't be long before you are on your back with your legs thrown in the air.

Aaron 'sez: Believe it or not, giving yourself an enema prior to anal sex isn't that important. I almost never do it and rarely have any problems. The key is to be aware of your body and your need to defecate. Eat lots of food with fiber, drink lots of water, and avoid foods that are rich or extremely fatty. On that matter, avoiding eating too much in the 24 hours prior to getting fucked does wonders as well. What goes in must come out, after all.

You can also give yourself the "finger test." Before you climb in bed and have sex, excuse yourself into the bathroom for a minute. Wash your buttcrack with soap and water (always a polite thing to do in any case), and slip a finger into your hole and slide it around. If the finger comes out clean, your hole is probably in good shape. If not, use lots of that soap and water to wash things off. Also, slide your finger deep inside your ass. You may, ahhh, how shall I put this? You may feel something inside you that suggests you may have to use the toilet for a few. Do so and empty yourself out. Then use lots of that soap and water to clean yourself off again. If the finger test reveals you just aren't getting clean enough, then you'll want to avoid getting fucked.

You can also sneak over a disposable enema to your friend's house. Use half of it an hour before you have sex, and then just before you climb into bed you can go into the bathroom to vacate any remaining water. Just slip the enema bottle back into your bottle, and your guests may never know what you were up to.

Just remember that at some point, it's impossible to be 100% sure you're not going to be messy. But with a few preparations, you can be at least 95% sure you're fine, and what messes do occur will be minor at worst.

Aaron 'sez: Pardon me while I slip into my Miss Manners drag for a moment.

Gentle Reader,
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Miss Manners is painfully aware of the social awkwardness of anal hygiene when it comes to gay sex. Those that are knowledgeable and self-aware can avoid awkward situations in the bedroom, while those that are less skilled are quite prone to such mishaps. The difficulty is in fact twofold - how does limit personal embarrassment when an "anal mess" occurs, and how can one educate the bottom in avoiding future messes.

Solving the former problem is simple enough. The top should always keep a towel nearby, and should use it to clean up any unpleasantness. If the mess is moderate to severe, then the top should suggest the bottom use the bathroom to "wash all that lube up." Most bottoms are self-aware enough at that point to realize that continuing to bottom for the evening is not a good idea. A smile and a friendly bit of reassurance can minimize the bottom's embarrassment. As much as it is the bottom's job to keep himself clean, it is the top's job to limit the damage to the tryst when anal problems develop.

In regards to teaching a bottom how to avoid messes in the future, Miss Manners believes this should not be done when an "accident" is discovered during sex, as this is an emotionally and mentally awkward time for the bottom. Rather, teaching anal awareness should be done during a more friendly and informal time, and in as nonthreatening of a manner as possible. For example, by giving a book about gay sex to the bottom, or by having a conversation about avoiding anal messes with another gay friend while the bottom is within earshot. And while Miss Manners does not normally encourage deception, it may be a good idea to even arrange for the entire conversation in advance. A knowledgeable and knowing friend may be your greatest ally in for this lesson.

In the end, keep in mind that many bottoms are oblivious and out-of-touch with their body in this fashion. It may come to a point where nothing but a direct conversation about the subject will help. In that case I urge you do so with utmost caring, compassion, and empathy.

Aaron 'sez: Ha! I wish I had that problem.

Just kidding. In all seriousness, you are NOT a freak, and you should not feel bad about your dick. What you are learning is that dick size is not as convenient as most people believe. While they would be happy to trade places with you, they'd quickly learn that having a huge dick is not all it's cracked up to be. That being said, let's see what advice I can come up with for you.

For starters, accept that not everyone is going to be able to take your dick. Obviously that's not a big step for you as you long ago learned that one. But it is important to keep in mind that as you use these techniques, they still aren't going to work on everyone.

Second, consider just how long you like to fuck. Some tops become frustrated when their bottoms start complaining after an hour. If you need to fuck that long, then I can see why they are unhappy! If you are going to fuck, expect that ten to fifteen minutes of action is an average limit the bottom. This number will be lower too if you have a particularly big dick (like yours), or if you are pumping very hard or aggressively.

Third, when you begin to fuck, do so sloooooooooooowly. You may have learned this lesson already, but it bears repeating. If your bottom has his butt and legs in the air, and if you jam your dick into his butt, he is going to scream. Fingering him way open and then slowly beginning to penetrate him over the course of ten minutes may be a way to do it. Keep the bottom excited and on edge. If he has an erection, he is much more likely to be able to take your dick than otherwise. Don't be afraid to just slide the head in and then pull it out, then slide it back in plus another half inch and then pull it out again. Keep adding half an inch until he finally has the entire dick within him.

Fourth, try fucking on your sides. You may have your preferred positions, but the first step is to find a bottom that can stand being fucked in at least one position. Lying on your sides (the "spoon" position) is a good one for beginning bottoms or when the top has a big dick.

Fifth, try threeways in which the other guys know in advance you want to fuck one of them. The third person can keep the bottom excited and relaxed while you slowly enter him. The third person can also fuck the bottom for a while to relax his ass and get him warmed up for you.

Sixth, when you post your ads online, try an ad that looks for someone who has experience getting fucked by two dicks at once. Not a lot of guys have done that, but your dick sounds like it's thick enough for two. Those who have been double-penetrated (DP'ed) are much more likely to be skilled bottoms who can take a dick like yours.

Finally, you may find that chemicals help. I do NOT reccommend that bottoms start taking tons of drugs in order to be fucked by huge dicks. But some bottoms do report that poppers help them relax their ass more. Also, a lubricant like ForePlay contains a mild anesthetic which makes fucking slightly more comfortable for the bottom. Just don't rub it directly on your dick, or you will be numbed as well and will need longer to cum. Having a condom in between the bottom's butt and your dick will avoid that problem.

Oh, about your question regarding porn stars. Keep in mind that those porn stars are not representative of the general population. When the directors cast someone to be fucked by a huge dick, they have specifically gone out and found a bottom with capabilities well-above average. Those stars are also being paid to be fucked, too. If you flashed a thousand bucks in front of your bottoms I suspect they would find that your dick suddenly feels a lot nicer. Also, porn stars are taking frequent breaks off camera to recover. The object is not to pleasure the top, after all. It is to put on a good show for the camera until the director collects enough footage.

Aaron 'sez: As a top, there is little advanced preparation you need to do before you climb into bed. Avoid jacking off for two or three days beforehand is about the most you need to do. Everything you do other than that should be designed to relax the bottom and put him at ease as much as possible. Fortunately for you, there are lots of ways to do this. Spending lots of time fingering his ass and lubing him up is one way. Kissing him and lavishing his body with attention is another.

As you two play in bed and the time to fuck him comes, spend a few minutes playing with his butt and relaxing him... THEN play with yourself and get your own dick hard. Feel free to take extra time to do this. Often tops that only barely have an erection lose it immediately after penetrating a bottom. Spending a few minutes beating off first and teasing the bottom with your dick will do a lot to keep you hard when you begin to fuck him.

Once you are ready to enter him, lay down on your sides. Assuming you are right handed, lay down on your left side so your right hand will be free. Spend the next few minutes fucking him. Make sure he is comfortable with the feeling, then concentrate on your own needs for a bit. Once you are really getting excited and into it, then start jacking him off. You'll find it's quite difficult to cum and jack someone off at the same time, so don't be afraid to ask him to take over for a moment if need be. Or better yet, hold yourself back until he is near to cumming. When the time finally comes to have an orgasm, have yours first, as many bottoms find it difficult to cum while being fucked.

If you want to change positions during this, there are lots of ways you can do this. The side-by-side position is a great position for beginners, but some guys (such as myself) don't find it pleasurable to top in this position. You can always roll on your back and pull him on top of you, or you can pull out and switch into any of a number of positions.

However you fuck, remember that your goal isn't for both of you to cum from anal sex. Your goal is for both of you to have fun and enjoy each other. If that means changing your agenda midway through the encounter, don't hesitate to do so. You'll both have a much better time if you keep your minds and your options open.

Aaron 'sez: If I knew of a surefire way to reclaim the body and energy of your youth I would be sailing the South Pacific on my yacht right now. For better or for worse, there are no pills that will have that effect on you. Besides the fact that testosterone is only available with a doctor's prescription, it will undoubtedly have side effects you don't like. Yes, you are likely to have a bit more sexual energy, but keep in mind that testosterone also causes male baldness and increases your amount of body hair.

That being said, I think your problem is in your mind. For starters, where did you get the idea that 95% of gay men prefer bottoming? I know a lot of tops that complain that they can't find any good bottoms. And if only 1 in 10 guys turn you on, that's still a lot of guys out there. I have no all into any of those categories on a regular basis, and I can testify to the fact that sex with a lot of them is VERY good. Still, if you are supremely picky and are only willing to have sex with guys half your age, then don't be too upset when you don't find what you are looking for very often.

Whatever type of you are attracted to, you should most certainly give up. You're 40 years old. That's considered young by many people's standards. Unless you feel like growing old prematurely and giving up on life, I suggest you keep looking around for guys to play with. You're not THAT far away from your late twenties when you started being fucked, and your body can't have changed that much. And even if it has, six months in a gym working with a personal trainer may do wonders for your self-image. Regardless of that, you still have plenty of time to have wonderful sexual relationships with incredible tops. Keep looking and you'll certainly find a few.

Aaron sez: Mess is bad enough, but mess when you're barebacking? Yuck! You missed one of the cardinal rules to bareback fucking - always make sure you are "anally clean" before you invite your partner to climb inside. A good way to do that is to finger yourself. If your finger comes out with traces of "mess" on it, or if a piece of poop inside your rectum then you need to do something. Using the bathroom to take a dump is a must in that case, to excise anything still inside your rectum. Then use soap and water to thoroughly wash off the surface of your anus and the lining of the sphincter inside it.

Then you managed to forget another cardinal rule: check your partner before you fuck him. After forgetting to do so, you accidently stumbled into the same trap that he fell into a few minutes before. After giving him the finger test you could have easily suggested you skip the anal sex, or at least have a sudden attack of "health consciousness" and then used a condom.

But enough analysis. What you need is answers and a strategy for your next trick. Let's start with the answers. You asked if you needed therapy because you lost your erection after pulling out of your partner and having mess all over your dick. My answer: Hell, no! We'd have all lost our hardon in your position. Don't hold it against him that he wasn't in touch with his anal side. We all have to learn lessons about how to be self-aware down there. You had some trouble with that yourself, so obviously it's a human thing.

Your second question: Did his PA have anything to do with it? I'd say no. If it caused any harm you would have probably found blood in all of the mess. But since it didn't scratch you up that's not likely to be the cause of anything. The fact that he had an eight-inch dick is more likely the case. By the time the top is that big he's getting pretty deep inside you!

Third question: Could some of the mess have been caused by water? Quite possibly. The mess from water is (surprise!) quite watery. A quick pat with a towel cleans it up. If the bottom goes into the bathroom for a minute at that point he can get most of the water out of his rectum. Unless he is foolish enough to douche with more water at that point. Why some men insist on cleaning out dirty water by injecting more clean water is beyond me. I didn't see his messy dick when he pulled out (thank goodness), but if the mess was solid, it wasn't caused by water. If it was liquidy, then it was probably caused by lube and water. The solution here is to douche with less water next time. You said you felt "full" when you're putting more water inside you. That's a BAD sign. It probably means water is going way up into your colon, in which case it is all going to pour back out over the next couple of hours.

I said that you needed answers and you needed a strategy. Fortunately for you, your fourth question asks for just that. You can find my complete strategy listed two questions below.

Aaron 'sez: Bad news for you friend. If you're human, sooner or later you're going to have an off-day and your partner is going to be a bit disgusted with the surprise. Fortunately the consequences aren't as bad as you may think. If it's Mr. Right you're playing with, he'll understand that it happens and that it's not big deal. And if it's Mr. Right-Now you're with... well, who cares what he thinks? He'll be history in a week anyway.

Still, I can see why you want to use enemas as effectively as possible. That goes right into your first question, how much is too much? I don't have a specific answer for you, as I don't think anyone has ever conducted a scientific study to determine if half or a full-pint is better. And does it make any difference if you jump up and down with the water still inside you?

Seriously though, go to a chemist and pick up a disposable enema. If you're putting more than that amount of liquid inside you, it's too much. I don't mean that much liquid six times in a row, either. You get one disposable enema bottle per day maximum. If that doesn't do the trick then think of something else to do instead of having a guy's dick up your ass. Ideally you shouldn't even need the whole bottle.

In my own personal life, I almost never use enemas. I use diet, soap, and water to make myself clean enough for anal sex. I then use timing for maximum effect. If I'm not feeling 100% clean down there, I wait a few hours before I have anal sex. Your rectum naturally pulls out water out of anything within it. So being messy inside you will solve itself to some extent if you wait a few hours. Provided you didn't stuff your face too badly the day before, that is.

Always remember that enemas are just to clean up any small bits of residue that may be there. Not to use to mop the floors of the Augean Stables of your butt (how's that for a metaphor, you Greek mythology fans). If a single disposable enema bottle doesn't do the trick, then you're going to have to use a more concrete strategy. Speaking of which...

Aaron 'sez: I have said on many occasions that there is no quick solution to avoiding mess. Fortunately there are a number of things you can do.

Diet - Eat lots of foods that are high in fiber. Besides having a host of other health benefits, they help absorb water in your intestines, which in turn promotes cleaner bowel movements. This means you're less likely to have a mess during anal sex. According to drkoop, fibre is commonly found in whole grain breads and cereals, wheat bran, oats, fresh fruits and vegetables, peas, beans, nuts, seeds barley, corn, popcorn, potatoes with the skin, and psyllium or bran flakes.

Use Enemas Sparingly - Some men have the habit of giving themselves very large enemas or using six or more disposable enemas over the course of an hour. This is NOT the way to clean your insides out. When it comes to sex, enemas should be used just to clean out any messy particles out of the rectum, and NOT to clean out the entire colon. If you use more than half or two-thirds of a single disposable enema, you are using too much. The excess water will wind up in your colon and will come back down into your rectum during sex. Expect things to get messy at that point.

Use Soap and Water- Clean yourself out using lots and lots of soap and water on the outside of your anus and within the sphincter. This is a good habit whenever you are going to have sex, even if you are not planning on bottoming.

Use the "Finger Test" - While washing yourself with soap and water, slide a finger deep inside your anus and slide it around. If it doesn't come out clean, you will either need to use a small enema, or to wait an hour or so for your rectum to naturally absorb some of the water from the material inside it. At that point give yourself the finger test again, and the result should be considerably improved.

Don't Eat Like a Pig - If you stuff your face in the twenty-four hours before sex, all that food will eventually have to emerge from you. If you have a hot date planned, eat sparingly and drink lots of water instead.

Be Self-Aware - Understand that not every day will be ideal for you to have sex. Monitor your situation throughout the day, and adjust your plans accordingly. Inviting someone form online over to fuck your brains out BEFORE you check your anal situation might result in disaster. Knowing how you are doing "down there" will help you set your plans for the evening, which in turn will prevent messy problems from ever occurring in the first place.

If you follow this advice I guarantee that your sex life will be both cleaner and more enjoyable. Good luck!

Aaron sez: I receive many submissions of questions I have already answered. Aaron's Advice is published every couple of weeks in OutUK and you can see my past OutUK columns in the OutBack archive.

Bedtime Reading

Aaron's bestseller which graphically reveals his businesslike approach to the world's oldest profession. Available at Amazon.

Aaron sez :
For more information about gay health, check out Dr. Goldstone's book, The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex.

Suburban Hustler - Memoirs Of A HiTech Callboy is Aaron's first bestseller which has sold more than 200,000 copies at AmazonUK alone. Available here.