Aaron Lawrence is a 24 year old escort and porn star from New Jersey. He's also got a college degree in Psychology and is the author of The Male Escort's Handbook just published in the USA and Suburban Hustler available here in the UK. Every fortnight in OutUK he answers your questions on being gay, sex and relationships. And any other stuff you might want to ask. He says "My advice is based on my experiences in the sex industry, academia, and life. In no way am I a medical doctor, licensed psychologist, trained sex therapist, or God. Please read my advice with those limitations in mind".

Aaron 'sez: Pardon my saying so, but you've not got a serious winner of a relationship. He's a married guy who goes home to his wife at night, and you're sleeping with him partially for the money. Call me a Dr. Laura, but this does not sound good. At least not if you want to have any sort of traditional-style relationship. You asked me what you should do, but I can't answer that for you. What you should do depends on your priorities and your ethics. Your relationship is clearly headed nowhere right now, but as long as you don't care about that and your ethics permit you to have an extended relationship with a married man, by all means continue. But if you want anything resembling commitment, you're going to have to give him an ultimatum of "you or her" sometime soon. Just don't be surprised when he gives you the same choice between the relationship and your escorting.

Aaron 'sez: Yes, it is very reasonable to expect an escort to get hard. If an escort doesn't get an erection, there is always a reason why. He might be stoned, he might have blown two loads that afternoon with someone else, hey may not be feeling well, or he might be tired or depressed about something in his personal life. Then again the problem might be more situational. He may be new to escorting and be nervous, your style of oral sex may not be what his body responds to, or perhaps the room is too cold. Or maybe you had terrible body odor. I really have no way of knowing just why he didn't have an erection with you that day. If you can't figure out why he isn't hard, ask him why. Don't accuse or get upset, but ask tactfully. It may be as simple as the position you two are using. Because neither escorts nor clients are inhuman sex machines, both the client's and escort's erections are ultimately the responsibility of both parties. No one would ever expect a client to have an erection if the escort showed up drunk and abusive. Similarly, you can hardly blame the escort for erectile troubles if the client wants to be sucked off while deliberately blowing cigarette smoke in the escort's face. Don't think that's not a realistic example, either. That happened to me once. The client even had the gall to wonder aloud why I couldn't get hard. Moral of the story? You may have had a good escort who had a valid reason for having trouble staying hard. On the other hand, you may have had a bum who didn't take his work seriously. When faced with a situation like that again, talk to him to determine which category he falls into. If he's a loser of an escort, send him packing and don't waste your time on him again.

Aaron 'sez: For all of the prevalence of prostitution in society, there is an amazing lack of formal training for sex workers. Until the early 90's, there were not even any books designed to teach male prostitutes what is expected of them in the profession. Since there is essentially no basic training about what is expect from an escort, it is hardly surprising that escorts routinely appear or behave unprofessionally. Of course, the opposite also applies. Many clients ignore what would seem to be an obvious common courtesy of taking a shower before a meeting. The problem really occurs on both sides. The problem occurs ten times more frequently when you consider the issue of anal hygiene in particular. When faced with someone that needs a shower, there really are two ways of dealing with the matter. The first is to make an issue of it, by insisting that the other person take a shower while you wait. The second and more polite method is to suggest that the escort and client take a shower together. Often you can wash the other person in such an erotic manner that they never know why you suggested the shower in the first place. A few polite hints about how it is a good idea to take a shower before meeting with an escort/client will usually get the message across. So should you say something to the agency? I wouldn't bother. It doesn't cost you anything to give the escort the benefit of the doubt that he had a bad day/forgot his deodorant/car broke down and had to run the last mile to the appointment. If you ever see the escort a second time and the issue remains, then I'd suggest giving the agency a call. The agency manager can bring the issue up without bringing your name into the conversation.

Aaron 'sez: Overnight appointments are a great way for the escort and client to have a lot of sex together in a way that does not require that they monitor the time. The two can do a late dinner together, and retire back to the bedroom in time for a long evening of sexual frolicking and playing. When the sun rises in the morning they can continue their pleasures until they stop for breakfast and eventually say their goodbyes. In general, this works extremely well. As the first client wrote, he wanted to have sex for a while in the evening, and then a bit more in the morning. That's absolutely reasonable and isn't a problem in the slightest. In fact, overnight appointments usually un into troubles only in one of two ways. The first is when a client exhausts the escort by keeping him awake having sex until extremely late at night. It's fine to have sex until midnight or 1am, but if you're still going strong at 5am, chances are your escort has been dying for sleep for several hours. Fortunately that problem is relatively rare. The second problem is the lesser of the two, but is by far the more common one. It is when the client wakes up early in the morning and wants to jump on the escort while he is asleep. This is often a particular problem for full-time escorts, since they are used to keeping late nights and sleeping in during the morning. While most escorts are willing to have sex with their client early in the morning, care should be taken to awaken them slowly and gently. Sticking a dick in their mouth while the escort is snoring is NOT considered appropriate. If you wake up before your escort and want to have sex, you may want to consider letting him sleep in for a few minutes longer. Often your movement of being awake will cause him to naturally wake up on his own. He will be a much better lover if that happens. Alternately, open up the shades to allow more light into the room, and then wake up the escort by slowly caressing him and touching him for a while. And keep in mind he may be in a very deep sleep when you want to have sex. It will take him several minutes for the oxygen levels in his brain to return to normal. For that few minutes, the escort can't help being groggy, grumpy, or unresponsive. Keep in mind too that particularly low-priced escorts, such as hustlers or those escorts that work from European brothels, are being paid relatively little for their services. As such, the client should expect less accommodation to his needs and agendas. Of course, ultimately the entire schedule of sex is up between the individual client and escort. So when in doubt, why not bring the issue up in advance? Escorts in countries where prostitution is illegal may not want to use the word "sex," but will understand exactly what you mean if you suggest in advance you want a certain amount of "playtime" in the evening and the morning.

Aaron 'sez: Being an avid reader, I always suggest that both working and potential escorts read three books on the subject of male prostitution. The first is Matt Adams' book, "Hustlers, Escorts & Porn Stars: An Insider's Guide to Male Prostitution in America." It's a good overview of the male prostitution industry, and definitely worth reading. The second is John Preston's "Hustling: A Gentleman's Guide to the Fine Art of Homosexual Prostitution." It's a how-to book, although it was written in 1993 and is somewhat dated. It does not cover the Internet, for example. The final book is my own new release, "The Male Escort's Handbook: Your Guide to Getting Rich the Hard Way." It is much larger and far more comprehensive than the Preston book, not to mention much more up-to-date. No need to read Itiel's book if you're only researching how to escort. It's about picking up street hustlers, mostly in other countries. The reason I suggest you read all three books is that 99% of the questions that new escorts have can be answered by looking in one or more of those books. The books also go into far more depth on your individual questions than this column can.  I would venture to say reading all three books will increase an escort's earnings by at least 10 to 20%, while minimizing their investment of time and energy as well as their legal and medical risks. In other words, go read them all. But to answer your questions in brief: You can get started in the business by taking out a print ad in his local gay publication, or by taking out an ad on a website like Escorts4You or Rentboy.com. Scan in a picture and post it on the website or run it with your print ad. Ask around to determine what the starting rates for escorts are in your area, and quote that when clients begin inquiring about your services. On rare occasions the police will target people who run ads like these, but those are few and far between. Your chances of getting a speeding ticket in the next three months are much higher than your chances of being arrested for prostitution in the next three years. Alternately, you can go work for an agency. It pays slightly less than independent escorting, but it saves you the cost of having to run your own ads, as well as the stress of running your own business. Agencies are traditionally slightly safer to work for, legally speaking, but have other disadvantages. For example, the agency may knowingly send you without any warning to work for a client that has been abusive to their escorts in the past. Working for a reputable agency will help alleviate this problem, but it is difficult to eliminate as long as you are not screening your own clients. However you get started, remember that escorting is a job like any other. You are expected to take it seriously, treat your clients as VIPs, and constantly strive to improve your services and your business. If you don't take your work seriously or approach your clients with an attitude, you will ultimately be just as disappointed as your clients will be.

Aaron 'sez: Sure! My first tip would be to walk out of Sneakers and start looking elsewhere for that hour. Almost by definition hustlers are not customer-service oriented. They are looking for a quick buck in exchange for as little as they have to do to get it. Looking for a mutually-rewarding hour with a hustler in a city with a more sophisticated infrastructure for escorts is like looking in a bathhouse for Mr. Right. You may find it, but it is highly doubtful. What do I mean by sophisticated infrastructure? I mean strip bars where the strippers provide private shows, gay publications with escort print ads, and regular Internet access by escorts that work in the area. Hustler bars are fine in cities that otherwise have no way for people to hire sex workers. But if you're checking out the hustlers in Toronto, don't expect to find anything more than people looking to be blown in exchange for whatever they can get.

Aaron 'sez: I have no doubt there are male escorts in Hong Kong, but I have equally little doubt that they are taking a much lower profile now that the city has been transferred to Chinese control. However I was able to find at least one lead for you. The "Lady Boss Sarah J" site is a rather badly-designed site, but it does mention male for male massages, as well as male massuers being available. I wouldn't trust anyone they would arrange for you, but I would bet that they know how the male escorts do their work in Hong Kong. If I had to take an educated guess, I'd bet that their escorts advertise themselves as massuers, and provide "full service" for clients who are willing to pay a bit more. Their local guides to the city nightlife probably has advertisements for their services. Drop Lady Boss an e-mail and let me know what you learn.

Aaron 'sez: I gave Jeff an ultimatum some years back: I wanted to escort full time, and I was willing to break off our-then several year relationship if he said no. In doing so, I made my decision about how I was prioritizing my career and my relationship. After that it was simply a matter of learning what Jeff's priorities were. Fortunately for me, he valued our relationship over having a monogamous relationship in regards to my work. From what you described, your lover has made his decision. He has decided that he is not willing to give up his work for you. That's his decision to make, but in doing so you cannot be responsible for all of the blame if you decide to break off the relationship. The two of you may love each other dearly, but if you value monogamy more than you value your love for him, your relationship may not be destined to be at this point in time. In regards as to how Jeff handles my escorting (the ultimatum being four years ago), Jeff says, "It becomes an old hat after a while. You just don't think about it. The brain has a remarkable capacity to not think about things that you don't like. If you don't like what he's doing, don't think about it, or find another relationship."

Aaron 'sez: Depending on where you are in the world, there are lots of ways to find hire men for sex. These include hustlers, brothels, escort agencies, strippers, erotic masseurs, and escorts. In this day and age on the Internet, one of the best way to find male escorts is to visit an escort-referral service. This is not an agency, in that it does not supply the escort for you. Rather, they simply list numerous escorts that are available, and provide contact information for them. Two of the best referral services on the 'net are Escorts4You.com and Rentboy.com. If an escort is on this site, chances are that he is legitimate and is not a major druggie. It's also a good idea to take a look at the Male 4 Male Escort Review Website. This site contains several thousand reviews of the services male escorts, and is adding more every day. If you are concerned about finding a legitimate escort, look for one that has several reviews. Chances are that if the escort has any sort of problem that someone has already noticed it and mentioned it online. If you are interested in an escort that is not listed on the site, often you can ask in the forums if anyone is familiar with the escort. You can get a surprising number of comments in a relatively short time.

Aaron 'sez: For starters, search the Internet and print ads until you find an escort that interests you. Although e-mail is convenient, make a point of talking to him on the phone for a few minutes. If he is cold, unhelpful, or otherwise rude, you may save yourself the time and trouble of meeting him. But if you feel comfortable with him on the phone, that is a good indication you will make a good pairing in an appointment. In regards to what you should do, keep in mind that male escorts in countries where prostitution is illegal often become nervous around people that want to discuss sex. After all, you may be pretty sure from the escort's advertisements that he is not a cop, but the escort doesn't know you at all. Patience and a bit of conversation can often get the escort to open up about his sexual services. But you should make a point of finding out what the escort is willing to do. If you are a top, you would hate to find out in person that the escort does not bottom. The same can be said if you are affectionate and the escort does not like to kiss. When you finally meet, it is a good idea to set the money down on a table early in the encounter, but not to bring up the issue directly. Some less trusting or novice escorts will demand payment in advance, but most experienced ones will not. Especially if they see the money in plain sight. By avoiding the topic of money, the escort is more assured that you are not an undercover officer. Other than that, only a few common courtesies apply. Take a shower before your appointment. Call the escort if you have to cancel for any reason. And if you found the escort from an escort review website, submit a review to the site after your meeting.

Aaron 'sez: Most escorts are very flexible about their clients' appearance to a point. What that point is though varies a great deal from escort to escort. I showed up once to find a client who was, shall I say, "anally filthy." He sat down on the bedsheet and left a huge stain there. I freaked out and declined to work for the client, but several other escorts said it wouldn't have bothered them. They would have simply requested the client take a shower, and would have continued with their services once the client was clean. Was I out of line? It's a matter of personal opinion. On the other hand, there are clearly some escorts who go beyond the lines of "acceptable limits." For example, I have seen one escort's website that says, "No blacks or guys over 50." Other escorts refuse to work for men that are significantly overweight. Fortunately, these escorts are few and far between. They are usually "cyberhustlers" that find their clients in Internet chatrooms, or are otherwise rookies in the business. Younger escorts (18-23) also are more likely to set limits than older ones. So are you getting too old for young escorts? Not at all. Being in your mid-forties makes your age pretty typical for a client. But did you run into either an inconsiderate escort or one who didn't take his work seriously? Yes, and he doesn't deserve your business because of that. So chalk that one up as his loss, and keep looking. There are plenty of escorts who would be glad to service you.

Aaron 'sez: Certainly I and every other escort worry about STDs. They are one of the greatest hazard of the profession. Of course many people who are not escorts are content to give oral sex without a condom; escorts are no different. Not to mention that escorts have a financial incentive to forgo the latex. Fortunately, these liberal views of safe sex rarely go into the realm of condomless fucking, as most escorts know client fears of HIV would actually lose them money if it became publicly known they barebacked. But in general, escorts strike a fair balance between business and safety. Of course, not using condoms for oral sex means that occasional they, meaning both escorts and clients, occasionally contract an STD. Fortunately several oral STDs are easily treatable, and can be cleared up with a minimum of time and discomfort. An inexpensive vaccination to Hepatitis A and B can also prevent that malady. For a complete list of the STDs you can contract, I suggest you read Dr. Goldstone's book, available in the UK, "The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex: A Medical Handbook for Men who Love Men."  There is also a handy chart on how to visually screen your partners for STDs in my new book. Look for that to be repeated in my column in the near future.

Aaron 'sez: Escorts don't dislike it when a client wants to know what he is willing to do sexually, they are simply afraid to discuss the issue. You may know you are Joe Blow, the accountant who is married with three kids, but to an escort you could easily be an undercover officer. One of the downsides of a society where prostitution is illegal is that it makes it extremely difficult for an escort to negotiate sexual activities and safer sex with their clients. As a result, escorts don't always like talking about the issue in advance. There is no easy way around the issue. Talking to an escort online or on the phone for a few minutes sometimes helps, as does telling him what you like to do sexually. But in the end, remember that it's the escort's neck on the line. Outside of street prostitution clients are targeted far less by the police than are the escorts. So if he doesn't want to discuss what he does sexually, you may have to accept his limits or find another escort.

Aaron 'sez: The time of payment varies from escort to escort as well. Most escorts who trust their clients are happy to be paid after the encounter, while the less trusting and experienced ones tend to require the money up front. Escorts for agencies often are required to follow their agency policy and request the money up front. Hustlers and exotic dancers doing a "private show" also traditionally require the money up front It's usually a good idea to begin the encounter by discreetly leaving the money in plain sight, such as on a table or dresser. Doing so lets an escort know that he will be paid, and avoids potential legal complications in exchanging money for sex. One tip that escorts may want to keep in mind is that while clients do sometimes screw over the escort and refuse to pay, the lost money is more than made up for by tips from the clients who pay at the end of the session.

Aaron 'sez: You probably did the right thing. If an escort (or client) frightens you, your first priority should be to get them away from you and out of the home. Paying them is a small loss compared with the hazard that an irrational or abusive escort can be. If you feel a need for there to be an educational component for the escort, leave a message on his answering machine telling him why you won't be hiring him again.

Aaron 'sez: In London they call them "clip girls." They pose as street hookers, get your money in order to secure a room, then vanish out of sight. Unlike the clients of Soho, you can complain to the management. They may be more or less sympathetic, but they will take note of the issue. Also, make a point of telling every other dancer you can find what the person did. Sure, he got $150 from you, but at the cost of some seriously bad PR. With any luck his thievery will cost him a lot more money in the long run.

Aaron 'sez: The number one question this column is asked is how to avoid "mess" during anal sex. There are no formal training courses on the subject for gay men. Even for escorts, whom you might think should be experts on sex, there is a considerable lack of education. After all, how are they supposed to learn instead of fumbling through life until they stumble across a lesson on the subject? This being said, I would have suggested you deal with the subject in the same way I would. I discreetly help clean up the mess, and make a few suggestions to the client how it can be avoided in the future. If you have an enema handy, you may even want to suggest the escort go use it in the other room. I totally understand why you're upset. You're paying good money and expect your needs to be met. But considering "mess problems" are widespread in gay sex, I'd have cut him a break provided he was willing to learn how to avoid the problem in the future. If avoiding "mess" is a major concern of yours, you may want to stick to very experienced bottom escorts in the future, or may even want to suggest in advance that he use an enema to clean himself out.

Aaron 'sez: What is that old expression? "If you can't stand the heat, don't get near the fire." Every sexually active person, escort or otherwise, sets guidelines for the risks they are willing to take. No matter how strict about playing safe you are, if you have sex with someone you are taking certain risks. These risks may be minimal, such as if you only engage in mutual masturbation and do not kiss, but only doing that is pretty rare. Most men want to do more in bed. Unfortunately, doing more means taking more risks. And if you take those risks, sooner or later you may be burned. Like burns, most STDs can heal quickly and completely, but some of them can be extremely dangerous. An unfortunate side effect for those who enjoy having sex, but unavoidable nonetheless. I also find it unfortunate that you partially view escorts as being bearers of disease and decay. While escorts do have more sexual partners than the average person, they also tend to be more informed about STDs than the general public, and take more precautions towards avoiding that end. They are also quick to seek medical attention at the first sign of trouble, and may even be less likely to carry STDs than the general public. You would do well to remember that just because an escort fucks around a lot doesn't mean he's stupid and has any intention of putting his health in jeopardy. In any case, as near as I understand your letter, all of your questions boil down to this: How can I avoid STDs while playing with escorts? The simplest answer is that you can't. But you can maximize your chances of avoiding them by taking these steps.
1 - Find yourself a gay-friendly physician with whom you would be very comfortable discussing your sexual health.
2 - Have yourself vaccinated for Hepatitis A and B. It's relatively inexpensive, and completely eliminates your risk of one of the more serious STDs. This STD is of particular concern for tops, rimmers, and guys that enjoy buttplay.
3 - Always use condoms for anal sex. If you want to be particularly strict about avoiding STDs, use them for oral sex as well. Avoid using lubricants with nonoxynol-9 in them.
4 - Avoiding cum and precum in your mouth and anus will lower your risks of STDs.
5 - Learn how to visually screen your sexual partners for STDs (watch for a chart in an upcoming column). If you see anything on your partner that concerns you, such as an unidentifiably bump, ask him about it.
6 - At the first sign of an STD, see your doctor. It's better to have a false alarm than to ignore real symptoms.
7 - If you have an STD, ask your doctor how far back you should go when notifying your partners. While you may be treated for the STD, you may sleep with the same guy (or another person he has slept with) and recontract the disease.
8 - Take a shower after every sexual encounter, taking special care to wash yourself on your cock, balls, dick, hands, and anywhere else that came into contact with his body fluids.
9 - Have yourself tested for HIV every six months to a year, depending on the number of partners you have sex with. If you escort on a regular basis or if you engage in bareback sex, be tested every three months.
10 - As tempting as it may be, avoid brushing your teeth or giving yourself an enema in the hours just before giving oral sex. Both slightly increase the likelihood of contracting STDs.
Sound like a lot of steps? It is. But if you are going to play, these steps can reduce your risks of STDs.

Aaron 'sez: If you are an extra twenty pounds, you won't have the slightest problem hiring escorts. That is especially the case at age 33. Most Americans are now overweight, so you're quite in the norm. Being twenty pounds overweight puts you right in to the "average" category for client weight. Since you asked about me personally, yes. I do have plenty of overweight clients. I have about two or three clients that are pushing 400lbs. Some escorts I know have been with men even heavier. Kinda makes you feel thin, eh?

Aaron 'sez: There's nothing wrong at all about not being able to cum inside a guy's butt. The fact your partners are escorts has little to do with it. Lots of men have difficulty cumming while playing top, myself included. I'd be willing to bet most of your sex with women has been without condoms, or was done with people you knew well. But with escorts, you are relatively unfamiliar with their bodies (and they with yours), and you are playing much more safely. Those are both good reasons why you may be having troubles. There are plenty of other reasons as well. Forty years of straight sex means you're probably very knowledgeable at it, but the skills necessary to fuck a guy may be quite different. For example, the positions you use in gay sex can make a huge difference in how well the top can orgasm. Like when the top lies on his back while the bottom sits on his dick. It's a great position for the bottom to masturbate in, but a very tough one to make the top cum. If this is the problem, you may want to pick up a copy of a good book about gay sex. Amazon.co.uk has lots of them, including The New Joy of Gay Sex. Reading it may give you a lot of ideas and food for thought. There may be other issues as well. For example, are you on a medication that makes it difficult to orgasm? Are you particularly overweight and not using a position ideal for heavier guys? Would you be better off having sex at a different time of the day? Or are your anxieties so intense that it is actually making your problem worse? You may be suffering from none, any, or all of these. I don't know from your letter, but they're something to consider. As for your escorts taking it personally, they really shouldn't. And you should not think that it is your fault. Next time you hire an escort who likes being fucked, tell him in advance about your difficulty cumming while playing top. If he is skilled he may be able to help you overcome the barrier, if indeed it can be overcome. Getting you extra excited before you fuck him, putting you in a good position to pump in, and going all out towards giving you the time of your life may just do the trick. So be up front with him next time. You never know what may happen.

Aaron sez: I receive many submissions of questions I have already answered. Aaron's Advice is published every couple of weeks in OutUK and you can see my past OutUK columns in the OutBack archive.

Bedtime Reading

Aaron's bestseller which graphically reveals his businesslike approach to the world's oldest profession. Available at Amazon.

Aaron sez :
For more information about gay health, check out Dr. Goldstone's book, The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex.

Suburban Hustler - Memoirs Of A HiTech Callboy is Aaron's first bestseller which has sold more than 200,000 copies at AmazonUK alone. Available here.